PROpinion: Do Guys Really Care What Your Vag Looks Like?

Several months ago, I was (un)lucky enough to have this Jezebel article shared with me, and goddammit do people ever keep finding new and inventive ways to make girls feel bad about themselves. It was about women in India making vaginal bleaching into a thing. If it’s not that, it’s hair waxing, or lasering. Or maybe “vaginal rejuvenation” surgery, which is a fancy way of saying “make my meat curtains smaller.” This isn’t really my area, since I don’t, um, have those kinds of areas, but I wanted to offer my quick two cents (that’s like $7 in Canadian money): As a man, I can tell you with confidence that no guy, at least not one worth even one iota of your time, has ever given two shits about the hue of your vagina or 95% of any of the other shit you all worry about.

Again, this isn’t really my area of expertise. I’m not going to even try to pretend that I’m able to wrap my head around the kind of pressures that women feel from all sides to feel, act and particularly look a certain way – I just know that it’s a real thing. Men understand the basic things. We know you have to deal with shaving legs and armpits, pluck your eyebrows, do shit to your hair, and probably deal with lip hair of your own on occasion. It’s almost like that’s too easy now, or something, because in the last 5 years I’ve read way too much about pube grooming, “skinny arm,” “thigh gap,” and now, apparently, the “bikini bridge,” even if that one began as a hoax. As a man, these things baffle me.

Most men get that a lot of women want to do some kind of maintenance “down there.” Maybe you just want to tighten up the bikini line, or maybe you want to be festive and shave your favorite football team’s logo into it. Fine, whatever. It’s just hair. But shit like the bikini bridge? No straight man pays more attention to the space on either side of a girl’s hoo-ha than they do to gaining access to said hoo-ha. No guy in the history of ever has looked at a girl and said “bro, she’s so hot. I bet her arm looks super skinny in pictures” And the vaginal shit? I can’t even. How, or why, is anyone compelled to go under the knife (or apply caustic chemicals, or fucking LASER BEAMS) to change the appearance of their bits and pieces? Hell, most men don’t even clean up much down there because we’re terrified of taking a razor anywhere near our junk.

The adult industry and its proliferation has a lot to do with it. Anyone can discretely consume the flithiest things they can imagine, so I guess if that’s your only frame of reference it’s easy to get a warped idea of how things are “supposed” to look down there. And the thing is, that’s fine for those women– their bodies are the product, and they’re being paid for that product to look a certain way. After all, you probably have much higher quality standards for your going-out clothes than you do the pilates pants you bum around in. So if you earn your living being naked in front of a camera, by all means do what you need to do in order to fit the bill.

That’s the whole thing that, as a guy, baffles me about this shit the most: Outside of porn, how much do you really see someone’s vagina? It’s mostly hidden when you’re standing up. For just about any sex act I can think of, human anatomy prevents both people from actually seeing the business parts, even oral sex. So, if you’re getting surgery on your labia or bleaching your asshole or whatever, for whom are you doing it, exactly? You can’t see it. I can’t see it 99% of the time. So what’s the point? Sure, sometimes after a hookup guys might talk and be like “bro, she had a crazy bush, but she’s real cool so I’ll go out with her again.” What you won’t hear is a guy say “Yeah, she was a total bitch, but I’m gonna keep seeing her because she lasered all her pubes off.”

I’m sure cases of things like vaginal bleaching aren’t anywhere near as widespread as the internet wants you to believe (again, the Jezebel article was talking about a product sold in India, where I assume they have their own race/color issues). Just know that when it comes to a list of things guys care about, shit like your “thigh gap” and the angle at which your labia minora falls aren’t even on it. I assure you, even a full-on jungle bush isn’t going to stop anyone from tapping it. If those things come up when a guy’s asked about what he looks for in a girl, that’s a great sign you’re dealing with a chronic masturbator.

In the end it’s your body so by all means do with it as you see fit. Just don’t go overboard tinkering with it for the sake of guys, because we don’t care. Unless you’re vagina’s growing teeth, we’re happy to explore it. As they say, true beauty is on the inside (of your vagina).


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