Disney Princess TOMS Exist, And We Just Want To Know Why

By Holly Hammond | April 24, 2018

I don’t understand the obsession grown women still have with Disney princesses. Like, I love Disney as much as everyone else, but why, why, why does anyone pretend to be and dress like a Disney princess? It’s 2018, guys, we’re feminists now. It’s like, oh, do you want to be the woman that slept through her entire movie while waiting for a man to kiss her (this actually applies to TWO princesses)? Or the woman who cleaned her stepmom’s house until a man bought her off? Or, recently, you’re all obsessed with a certain bitch who learned a very valuable lesson: looks aren’t important, and neither is aggression or abuse, as long as he’s rich. To add to our sad tirade of grown-ass women’s obsession with princess shit, TOMS has now collaborated with Disney. That’s right, Disney princess TOMS exist, and all I can say is: Why? Why would you do that?

Hey @TOMS and @Disney! We are OBSESSED! #disney #toms https://t.co/kaxG0zGMl8

— POPSUGAR Fashion (@POPSUGARFashion) April 19, 2018

First of all, I hate TOMS on the best of days. They are ugly, sorry not sorry. The front of them is always weird and saggy and reminds me of a sad, flaccid penis. They are weird.

Also? These shoes are very poorly designed. TOMS, you guys had one job. Why are the characters BEHEADED on the front of every shoe???

Toms x Disney Princess Is The Pairing We’ve Been Needing, New Footwear and Sunglass Collectionhttps://t.co/7fYJn3A7Ep pic.twitter.com/xYYfkx6rYk

— WDW News Today (@WDWNT) April 20, 2018

It’s like a fun game of WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEIR HEADS? Especially for the front of the shoe. Like okay, the pattern got cut off on the sides or the back. But every shoe seems to have a decapitated princess front and center. Disney, you’re getting lazy. Also, I could doodle shit better than that Cinderella slipper on my Etnies in fifth grade. For free.

On that note, is Disney always everywhere, or has it recently been getting out of hand? Why did I see these horrible jeans at H&M this weekend?

H&M Slim Mom Jeans

First of all, finding jeans at H&M is terrible: their fabric is too thick and unflattering, and their sizing isn’t even consistent in their own store. Am I a 2 or a 14 today? It’s a surprise! But who decided that we really, really needed Mickey Mouse all over our jeans? What do you wear these with besides a sad plain tee shirt and a face of shame? We’re going too far.

Even worse, Chiara Ferragni recently released a line of designer Disney shoes. So like, $400 shoes, but they came from the Disney store.

Chiara Ferragni Minnie Mouse Glove Mules

Like, what the fuck? Who are these people that spend $400 on Mickey Mouse glove shoes? Buy some Valentino’s on sale, you weirdos.

But don’t despair, guys! It gets worse!

For a cool $59.95, you can reenact The Little Mermaid, because Disney now has huge, gigantic, terrifying floaties of our favorite characters!

Oh My Disney Sebastian Pool Float

Remember the part where Ariel rode around on a very disturbing looking Sebastian because he was gigantic? No? Oh wait, because that never happened, and this line is ridiculous. Get a basic swan floatie and call it a day. Also? Nothing like paying $60 for essentially a plastic bag to fill with air.

Disney, give it up.

Images: H&M (1), Shop Disney (2), Unsplash (1)

Holly Hammond

Holly is an ex-sorority girl with the personality of Elle Woods meets Wednesday Addams. She is an artist, writer, animator, and part-time magician. Her parents are v proud but also like to ask her when she's going to get a real job. Buy art from her so she can pay for her bulldog's dermatologist.

Disney Themed Clothing No Grown Adult Should Be Caught Dead Wearing

For The Group Chat