With this winter seeming like the longest one on record, the only thing that seems longer is this season of The Bachelor and our quest for some girl to tell Colton “You ARE the father!” How does that groundhog thing work again? Either way, whether he sees his shadow or not, can we just skip to the end of this season so I can know who to suck up to for a wedding invite? Let’s see how many girls cried their fresh lashes out this week on The Bachelor.
We pick up where we left off last week, with a stressed out Colton listening to Onyeka and Nicole battle it out about who is going to get the bed without the mosquito net in Thailand. Given Colton’s history of being indecisive, he continues that trend and sends both of them home. Dressed like an expired banana, Onyeka is now really pissed because she just saw her ability to model sh*tty sunglasses go up in flames. Nicole is actually somewhat excited to go home because she finally realized that Thailand’s Cuban coffee has nothing on her mom’s in Miami.
Next Location? Vietnam! (Let me remind you, we have not been in the US since the MANSION.) The girls walk through the house like the opening episode of MTV Cribs, and they realize that they’ll never ever have a vacation like this again, so they have to make it to the end. I mean, fall in love forever. In the search for the bathroom with the triple-ply toilet paper, they find a date card, and lucky Hannah G. gets her first one-on-one with Colton.
The day portion of this date takes place at a Vietnamese spa where they tell you you’re ugly, wrap you in lettuce, put mayonnaise on your face and then tell you: “Oh my god, your skin is glowing!”
These two don’t mind, because the date is free and Colton likes mayo. After being completely covered in McDonald’s special sauce and palm fronds, Colton talks about how attractive Hannah G. is, and starts making moves that are pretty advanced for someone who hasn’t had to unwrap a condom yet. Oh yeah, we also have our SECOND booty grab in as many weeks.
The night portion of the date is a romantic outdoor setting where everything is perfect, and the only things clashing are Colton’s shirt and the tablecloth. Hannah G. tells Colton it’s hard for her to open up, but she tries by telling him a story about her dad, his love for his yard, and her mom doing doughnuts in it, aka them getting a divorce. This hits home for me, because I remember messing up the yard once, and my mom tried to put me up for adoption. Messing up the yard = families being torn apart. Serenaded by the soundtrack to Rush Hour 3, Colton and Hannah dance the night away.
The next date card arrives and the next staff field trip belongs to Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B., Sydney, and Demi. The girls leave in their extreme athletic wear prepared to “fight” for Colton’s love. They arrive to see Colton win the most scripted fight since Cardi B. v. Nicki Minaj, and are excited to let out some aggression on the other girls.
Sydney v. Heather: A match that makes your ears bleed, mostly because it sounds like Heather swallowed a whistle.
Hannah B. v. Cassie: I’ve seen more athleticism from a stack of Jenga blocks.
Demi v. Katie: Proves that small dogs are all bark and no bite, because Demi shrank more than most guys in cold water ;).
Night time! Who’s Sydney? You’re wondering, Colton’s wondering, and America is wondering. She makes herself KNOWN tonight. She pretty much tells Colton that if he can’t get there with her, that she needs to go home because she’s paying for her Netflix account and not using it. Colton gives her the “I hope we can get there!” generic answer, and she seems somewhat content…or so he thought. Sydney doubles back later to say: “Not only am I paying for Netflix, I’m paying for Hulu too!” Realizing that Netflix + Hulu > Colton, Sydney takes three connecting flights home, fully prepared to beg for her job back.
Sydney getting all these airline miles and we haven’t heard her voice since “Hi, name is Sydney.”#thebachelor
— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) February 12, 2019
Missing from the last group date was Kirpa, meaning she’s the recipient of the one-on-one date! I know you’re thinking: “Who the f*ck is Kirpa?” Hint: She the one that looked like she was doing chin-ups on broken glass last week. Very soft-spoken, and probably has the prettiest teeth around, we know little about her, but she’s still in the running. This date is VERY anticlimactic, and I’ve seen more lively things in a morgue. A nice lunch where the most interesting thing was the table setting, and a dip in the sea because none of them knew where to wash their hands, make up the day portion of the date.
The night portion of the date is pretty bland, and the most exciting part of the date is that Colton’s shirt matched his shoes. Kirpa opens up a bit, telling us that she was engaged before to a virgin, and so Colton has nothing to worry about. Given the boredom that Kirpa exudes, I’m wondering if the breakup was caused by her fiancé falling asleep and drowning in his soup at dinner? Kirpa’s pretty smile and innocence get her the date rose, and allow her to continue on her quest to Platinum Status on United.
Demi is still pissed about not getting a one-on-one, and she goes to create her own alone time once Colton’s back from his nap date with Kirpa. It boggles my mind that Demi really is wondering why she hasn’t had a one-on-one date with Colton yet. (My guess, because no one wants to be left alone with CRAZY.) Demi insinuates that after tonight Colton might not be a virgin anymore, and now my interest has piqued. But given Colton’s history, and how tight his pants are, that V card is not going anywhere. Having Demi walk through several metal detectors, with The Bachelor security in the room, and him speaking through six inches of class, he tells Demi: “I’m just not that into you.” Fearing for his life, he quickly escorts her off the premises and has his number changed. ABC really should save some money and just fly her directly to Mexico since Bachelor in Paradise is where she’s going to end up anyway.
With just enough girls to fill a conference room, it’s rose ceremony time. Colton decides to forgo the cocktail party because he’s trying to finish the Fyre Festival documentary on Netflix since he has no idea how it ends. Already with roses are Tayshia, Kirpa, and Hannah G. Roses are immediately given to Hannah B., Caelynn, and Cassie, leaving Heather (never been kissed) and Katie (AMAZING eyes) to fight over the last flower. Dressed in what resembles an ankle sock, Heather gets the final rose because just one kiss isn’t enough on national TV. Katie pretty much tells Colton “Don’t let me catch you in the streets because I’m two weeks away from getting my gun license.“ (I’m paraphrasing, but that’s definitely what she wanted to say.)
This week’s episode was monotonous, and if this season doesn’t pick up, I’m going to find something better to do on Mondays. Like watching paint dry.
Images: ABC; Giphy (3); diggymoreland / Twitter