Diet Coke Might Be Making You Fat, So We’re All Screwed

Well betches, looks like the happy hope that was the beginning of a new year has already come to a life-shattering end: Scientists just discovered that despite the word “diet” being plastered over a beverage label, the drinks themselves aren’t much healthier than their sugar-filled counterparts.

According to researchers at Imperial College in London, “Sugar-free and diet drinks are not helpful for weight loss and could even cause people to pile on the pounds … A review of dozens of studies dating back 30 years found that there is no solid evidence that sugar-free alternatives prevent weight gain, type 2 diabetes or help maintain a healthy Body Mass Index.” They also found that consuming artificial sweeteners can trigger your stupid brain to want actual sugar, and you can end up deluding yourself into overeating because diet soda has no calories.

Me: But it says “Diet” so it must be good for me!

These scientists: What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever heard. At no point in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

So, in conclusion, it’s a new year, everything was shiny and bright and sparkling, and now Diet Coke is unhealthy and everything I know about life is a lie. Let’s just hope they don’t prove that wearing workout clothes everywhere actually makes you less likely to go to the gym, because it’s all I have left to seem healthy anymore.


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