Science Says Diet Coke Is Seriously Fucking Up Your Teeth

Much like in freshmen year science has fucked me over again. These researchers are now saying that diet soda fucks up your teeth. The University of Melbourne used real human teeth – this sounds like a scene from Saw – and tested them in a bunch of drinks – regular soda, Gatorade, milk, and diet soda. Contrary to what your nanny told you, there’s no difference in sugar and sugar-free drinks, so your sugar-free Red Bull isn’t doing shit for you except mixing well with vodka.

Here’s the problem: diet sodas use sugar substitutes that “strip away tooth enamel, ultimately exposing the soft and sensitive insides of the tooth. The ingredients bond with calcium, which ultimately weakens teeth.” That’s like way harsh, Tai. So drinking 3 Diet Cokes a day will make you look like a British man before he got his dentures.

This whole thing is a prison on planet bullshit. We can’t drink regular soda, because we don’t want to gain 30 pounds before formal season. But we can’t drink diet soda, because we don’t want to get dentures before we need Botox. I guess we can settle on grande non-fat lattes for now.