It’s no secret that we love to hate on Bravo. We talk about how miserable everyone on VPR is, and how fucking dumb and boring everyone on Southern Charm is, and yet, here we are, watching every trash heap Andy Cohen slings our way. Except Sweet Home Oklahoma. Even I’m not that loyal. And while most time the HBICs of Bravo get all the credit for keeping shit interesting, there are a handful of fuckboys that fucking suck, but like, are entertaining af to watch from a distance. So here you have it. A definitive ranking of Bravo’s biggest fuckboys.
12. Peter Thomas
The RHOA star isn’t the first piece of shit Bravo boy you think of, but he def deserves a spot on the list. When he was married to our girl Cynthia he admittedly went to the strip club like, every damn week. That’s just gross. I get for bachelor parties and shit, but reel it in dude. You have a gorgeous queen of a wife at home and you’d rather be watching Cinnamon, who is probs no more than a solid 6, get dollar bills shoved in her ass? Smh.
11. The Jersey Joes
Joe Giudice and Joe Gorga get to share the #11 spot because, let’s be honest, what’s the fucking difference? They both are guido meatheads who pretend to do construction even though we all know they’re in the mafia. We’ve seen The Godfather before. We know how this shit works. Joe Giudice is worse, I guess, because of the whole prison thing and he called his wife a cunt once. But then again, Joe Gorga flips his shit when Melissa doesn’t have a sandwich and a blow job waiting for him upon his arrival, so like, it’s a tossup.
10. Tom D’Agostino
What kind of dumbass makes out with a rando at a place all you and your brand new fiancée’s friends hang out? So you’re a fuckboy and an idiot. I see. If cheating on Luann like, a day after getting engaged wasn’t enough, he got with her while he was screwing her fellow RHONY castmate Sonja, while she and Lu fucking lived together. And further, he was also dating Ramona at the time. I mean, is there anyone in NYC you can sleep with who isn’t a Housewife? There’s gotta be a few.
9. Mario Singer
Mario flies under the radar as one of Bravo’s prime fuckboys, but I’m here to call his shit out. He’s your typical midlife crisis fuckboy who started up an affair with a chick like, 30 years younger than him and did it in his and his wife’s own house. Fucking gross. After Ramona caught him, he pulled the whole back-and=forth on whether they could work it out, but ultimately ended up dating his mistress. GTFO.
8. Jason Hoppy
Ugh, Jason is the fucking worst. When Bethenny first started dating him, he was kinda cute in the whole “I don’t mind having a strong woman and taking the back seat kind of way” but damn did that fade. As soon as they broke up, Jason actually became Satan and tried to take all Queen B’s money, her apartment, and her daughter. Because of his petty, greedy ass, the divorce was dragged out over almost four fucking years. And even though shit’s been settled, he’s still being a fucking psychopath, allegedly stalking Bethenny and sending her threatening messages and shit. Jason would top the list except that his behavior goes way beyond garden-variety fuckboy shit and into scary af psycho-who-will-kill-you-and-wear-your-skin territory.
7. Slade Smiley
While Slade has recently been outdone, he’s truly the OG Bravo fuckboy. With a name like Slade Smiley, it’s practically destiny that this guy would turn out to be a douche. We first met him when he he was dating Jo, who he wanted to stay at home all the time and clean in a fucking French maid costume. K. Then he became fuck buddies with RHOC #2 Lauri. And now, he’s shacking up with his third housewife, Gretchen. He’s like the original West Coast version of Tom. He lands higher on the list because he’s been accused of dipping out on child support and I don’t have time for a fuckboy AND a deadbeat dad.
6. Brooks Ayers
I take back my previous statement about Jason. Brooks is the actual worst human on all of Bravo. And I don’t say that lightly. He mooches off Vicki for her money, fucks 20-something-year-old porn stars when they’re on a break (vom), and fucking FAKES CANCER to try to get people to like him. That would all be pretty par for the course if we were talking about an episode of MTV’s Catfish, but you are a Real Husband, for fuck’s sake. WTF is wrong with you? If that wasn’t enough, he told Vicki’s son-in-law that he should beat his wife aka Vicki’s daughter to keep her in line. Brb taking off my earrings to go whoop some misogynist Mississippi ass.
5. Ben Robinson
Ben is a quintessential fuckboy because he tries to screw everything in sight and just treats women like shit in general. Not to mention, he calls everyone “baby” in an Austin Powers voice which honestly gives me nightmares to this day. If you’re on a boat in the Caribbean or the Mediterranean, and you have a vagina (or any hole probs), Ben will try to fuck you. Idk the exact number of stews he’s hooked up with, or at least tried to, over the years but I feel like it’s a solid 75% at minimum. Plus, can we get him a Xanax? Anyone who has a literal mental break over the exact time breakfast is served—WHEN YOU ARE EMPLOYED AS THE GODDAMN CHEF OF THE BOAT—needs to build a very large bridge and get over themself.
4. Shep Rose
Shep is the kind of guy that makes you hate yourself because you know he’s a fuckboy who’s just trying to get laid by the entire town of Charleston, but you still fuck him anyway. He’s funny, he’s smart-ish and despite the whole “sex with anything that moves” thing, he actually doesn’t treat women terribly unless you’re expecting him to call you back. What a concept. But there I go again, making excuses as to why a legit fuckboy isn’t as bad as other fuckboys. *Slaps self repeatedly until realization of making the same mistakes over and over again occurs* Okay, we’re good. Shep is the most dangerous type of fuckboy because he’s actually charming. Unlike Jax and James (we’re getting there) you don’t have to be a self-loathing human to fall for him—you just have to be a little drunk and having a fat day. DANGER.
3. Thomas Ravenel
Ah ha! Another terrible person. First things first, he managed to impregnate a gold digging 20-year-old not only once, but TWICE. That’s borderline impressive and at that point you can’t even blame Kathryn for gold digging when he made it so damn easy. Thomas is like, 60 and tells other 20-year-olds besides his baby mama to take their tops off and shit. He was arrested for doing coke back when he was holding some form of office. Tbh, the fact that South Carolinians elected him in the first place makes me think even less than them as a state than I did before, which is also impressive. He’s the creepiest of creepy old dudes, like Jack Nicholson minus the cool Hollywood connections and Lakers tickets. His worst offense, however, is his desire to speak godawful French at random times every episode. Like STFU grandpa.
2. James Kennedy
The white Kanye West himself finds himself almost topping our list of Bravo fuckboys. Honestly, this list could be of every fuckboy on earth and DJ James Kennedy would no doubt still be top 10. James has the standard qualities of a classic fuckboy including having sex with tons of women, like pretty much every SURver at this point; cheating on his girlfriend; and bragging about his sex-capades to his friends—or in his case, the Bravo producers with a camera pointed at his face for side commentary. He calls women fat, spits on them when arguing, and is just and all in all asshole. Most of his fuckboyness (fuckboyery?) is directed at Kristen, so like, it’s usually kinda funny though.
1. Jax Taylor
I know what you’re thinking: “But James got in a physical fight with Kristen” and “he told Katie to work on her summer body.” Here’s the difference. James is 25. Jax is like 40, and he’s still doing this shit. Sure, modern day Jax appears to be in a committed relationship with country bumpkin Brittany and like, he’s not as terrible as he was. But let’s go through his Bravo resume, shall we? 1) Pretty much everything that comes out of his fucking mouth regarding women. 2) He fucked—I’m sorry, “banged”—his best friend’s girlfriend while he was sleeping in the other room. Please note: said girl is also his on-again-off-again girlfriend’s best friend. And finally… 3) He got a porn star pregnant in Vegas and paid for her to have an abortion all while he was with Stassi. I mean, I didn’t even know shit like this happened IRL other than on Jerry Springer. And there’s more. I know there is, but my mind just blew itself when I typed that last one, so I think that’s enough for today.
Congratulations, Jax. You are King of Fuckboys. As if any of us are surprised.