I’ve read just about every article there is on why ghosting is wrong and you shouldn’t do it. Okay, that was definitely a gross exaggeration because I have a job and a life and not enough time in the world to scour ever shitty Elite Daily rip-off, but you get what I mean. I know what ghosting is. I’ve been ghosted. I’ve ghosted people. And despite what every feel-good sugary girl power website would like you to think, I’m actually a proponent of ghosting. I think all girls should ghost. But only to men.
Just to get this shit out of the way, YES I have been ghosted. I said that in the first paragraph, can you read? Yes I was salty about it and I was annoyed the guy couldn’t just muster up the balls to tell me definitively that he wasn’t feeling it. And even having dealt with all the bullshit that comes along with being ghosted (i.e. triple texting in case “I just wasn’t being clear enough about my intentions” and then exposing myself as a bona fide crazy person and then wondering what I did wrong and taking it personally that I was ghosted), I still think that most of the time, it’s the appropriate course of action for women. And here’s why:
I’ve tried many times to do the “nice” or “decent” or “non-cowardly” thing and be upfront about my feelings and tell a guy I wasn’t feeling it. And I can count on one finger—because it has happened a grand total of once—the amount of times the guy said “Okay I understand, thanks for being honest with me.” ONCE. Just once. Every other time I’ve tried to be honest and not ghost, I’ve gotten a variation of the following responses:
1. Playing Dumb. This is when a guy pretends not to understand what I mean. “Hey it was great meeting you but I realized I’m not ready to get involved with anyone.” “Lol we don’t have to be involved, we can just do fun things and hook up.” Prompting me to explain that by “be involved with” I meant sex, dating, responding to your 2am “U up?” texts, all of it—hence why I used such a general and all-encompassing term in the first fucking place.
2. Trying To Get Me To Change My Mind. This is usually an outcome of the first thing, where they try to be like, “Are you sure you don’t just want to continue to hang out and keep it casual [subtext: while I continue to lead you on and ignore your boundaries]?” Yes. Yes I’m fucking sure. That’s why I said it.
3. Gaslighting. AKA Turning it around on me and trying to make me out to be the crazy one. “Hey thanks for the offer for a third date, but I just didn’t really feel a connection.” “‘Connection’? Nah it’s not even like that. I’m not looking for a ‘connection’ lol. You got it all wrong I’m not even into you in that kind of way”—a guy actually had the audacity to say this to me after he texted me “Good morning beautiful” all the damn time and even brought me a gift to our second date. The gift, in case you’re wondering, was a bunch of lipsticks from the makeup company he worked for after I mentioned that I am super into lipstick and he asked me what my favorite colors are. So, yeah, okay, now that I type this all out I realize he sounds gay, but that’s not my point. Also, he tried to friend me on Facebook A FULL EIGHT MONTHS after our date—so yeah, sure, he definitely wasn’t into me at all and I totally imagined things. Right.
See, here’s the thing I’ve realized about men. Men will take any sort of response—even if it’s a firm, very hard “no” as an invitation to keep going, as an open-ended suggestion that will eventually turn into a “yes” if they just keep pushing. And that’s why silence is the best answer. Men understand silence better than any verbal communication (and people wonder why I’m so passive-aggressive). So if you’re not into a guy and don’t want to have a petty fight with a stranger via text message over whether or not you, in fact, mean what you say, just ghost. As my dad says when he’s quoting some old movie I’ve never seen, guys think they want the truth, but in reality, they can’t handle the truth.
The one caveat to this would be if the guy flat-out asks you for a second (or third, or whatever), date. Then you should just politely say “no thanks” and leave it at that. But otherwise, if you’ve been on one date or whatever and he’s trying to hit you up with some bullshit-ass text like “Hello” (also a real thing that’s happened to me, why is this my life), don’t respond to that shit. It’s not worth the fight. Not to mention, wouldn’t it be pretty weird to be like “Hello” “Hey it was great meeting you and all but I’m not feeling it, best of luck to you”? Yeah. It would be fucking weird. So again, unless you are directly asked, just say nothing. He’ll get the hint.
Now, I know some fuckboys are reading this article like, “Great, then break out the sheets and call me Casper cause I’m about to be ghosting bitches left and right.” No. Men, you should not ghost women. And that’s because we say all the time that we want guys to be honest, and—I know this is a crazy concept—WE FUCKING MEAN IT. Yeah, I know, women aren’t constantly lying through their teeth to get in your pants. I’ll give you a second to wrap your head around the concept of sincerity. Yeah. It’s real.
So when women say “Hey if you’re not into me just lmk,” we actually mean it. So stop ghosting us. Because I’m sure you’re not replaying the last date in your head, thinking up a million imaginary scenarios for why you might not be answering your phone (because you dropped it in a toilet or it got eaten by a shark or oh god, are you okay? We should probably check your Facebook to make sure you’re okay), I know none of you are doing that shit. And contrary to popular belief, our delicate female sensibilities are MORE than capable of handling a little rejection. That’s right! We won’t dissolve into a puddle of tears. We’ll be fine. So just say something so I can use my superior Facebook stalking tactics for important things, like finding out who got pregnant out of wedlock from my high school.
So yeah. Call me sexist, I don’t care—I never read the comments anyway so joke’s on you. Women, ghost men all you want unless you are specifically cornered asked about WTF is going on. Men, open your damn mouths and use it to communicate. Or if you won’t do that, here’s an alternative solution: acknowledge that women say what we mean and learn to believe us when we speak without assuming you know better than us about our own thoughts and feelings. Your call!
