Dear Betch…

This week on Dear Betch we’re betch slapping some crazies back to reality.

Dear Betch,

I moved into a new place on April 1st. Met hot neighbor April 1st. Have been sleeping with hot neighbor 2-4 times/week since April 1st. For a long time, I was really unemotional about it– it was unbelievably convenient, he was hot, the sex was decent (not fantastic), and I could still see other people if I wanted to (although the only ones I ended up sleeping with were ex's).

So we did the whole friends with benefits thing. I went away for a week a couple weeks ago, and ever since I've been back, we've been spending a lot more time together outside out the bedroom, he's been more affectionate in public, and it’s just generally felt more like a real relationship.

So last night I asked him how he felt about what was going on (for the first time ever), since I was starting to feel attached and really like him. His response: “I'm enjoying it.” End of story.

So I've got a couple questions: 1. Do I just accept that and continue onwards in the limbo land we've been in all along? 2. Do I keep trying to get him to tell me how he feels? 3. Do I forget about it and look for someone else? Main problem is that I think I'm falling for him, after almost 6 months of casually fucking. And I want to know if he is feeling the same way.

Dear No-Name,

I’m going to answer your questions as they were asked, since you so nicely took the time to highlight your exact delusions.

1.     No you don’t accept it. We’ve just established that he is #32 winning and you care way more about him than he does about you. That means it’s time to get out before you embarrass yourself further. The earlier you get out the less pathetic you seem. It’s directly correlational.

2.     No. He already told you how he feels. He’s enjoying have sex with you but has no desire to date you. Why would he? Who would buy the cow if someone’s giving out the milk for free? If he wanted to date you, you’d get the memo. See #8 not having sex with bros for the logic behind this.

3.     Yes. You just answered your own question. You’re not in love with him. You’re in love with his rejection of you. You might not even be into it if he were giving you the attention you craved. Find someone who you actually like instead of someone where you have to log your sexual encounters by date and time to feel a sense of order in the world.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

I began a summer fling with a boy who is a renowned bro (does whoever he wants) in July, thinking it wouldn't go anywhere. When I was #8 Not Having Sex with him, he kept at it. A month or so later, I entered a relationship with this douche, thinking he could potentially turn out to be a # 62 pro.

Then there was a problem. Next thing I know, the douche chooses a party over me. So of course, I went to the party (had way more friends there than him anyways) and by the time I arrive, one of my betch gf's has slapped him in the face and some bro is trying to fight him. Later on, we go upstairs and start having sex (I'm hammered) n I accidentally scratched him n mumbled something about a stupid post from one of his bro friend's on his wall about some girl blowing him a while back (I had been chugging beers until this point).

It took extreme focus to even put these events into order. We both walked away from the awful sexual encounter n 5 mins later he brings me upstairs again this time to break up with me. If I was drunk out of my mind, does that break-up still play by the rules? Or is it entirely indecent to dump someone else when they are seeing multiple versions of your face bob around the room from being so fucked up? What do I do? How do I get even?


Confused Betch

Dear Confused Betch,

It’s time to re-read this email and think to yourself, “Do I want to be a huge joke for my entire life or do I want to get my shit together and stop acting like a fucking idiot?” Hopefully you choose the second. When you say you were in a relationship with this guy I’m assuming what you meant is you kept having sex with him after the summer because in no way does this sound like he's your boyfriend. Why would you choose to date an asshole who girls want to slap and guys want to fight? No one thinks Spencer Pratt is fucking hot and neither should you.

After he ditched you for a party, you delusionally showed up for the party and had sex with him (You sure showed him!). Then you proceeded to blackout and reveal some embarrassing Facebook stalking info and became physically aggressive after which this guy (who we already established is an asshole) decided you were no longer worthy of even pretending to tolerate in order to continue having sex with you. Instead of focusing your efforts on revenge it’s time to focus on getting your life together and stop making stupid decisions. Stop looking like an idiot and engage in some activities that give you higher self esteem.


The Betches

PS. “n” is not a substitute for “and”.

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