From reading the previous submissions I feel like my situation is a little more serious, but idk who else to run to. I have been dating this pro for about a year now. In the beginning things were good, we had some issues but he was still a sweet, respectable guy, regardless of my betchy-ness. But we just recently began to get more serious and decided to get a place together and ever since he has turned into a completely different person. He is emotionally abusive towards me, calling me a slut and a whore whenever he can. He also likes to throw out the C word whenever he can because he knows he can get a rise out of me. He also spits on me and throws me around when he gets really mad, always saying its my fault because I “provoke” him. I've tried to leave but I hat can't find the strength to do it. I once was a total betch, had every guy I wanted eating out of the palm of my hand and now I'm just this shell of a person. I'm totally embarrassed for staying with someone who does not deserve me. Please help.
Dear No Name,
You're totally right that your situation is a little more serious than the typical Dear Betch letter and for that reason you need way more help than our advice but we'll give you a start. Ever seen the movie Sleeping With the Enemy? It's extremely fucked up but here's what happens: Julia Roberts married a rich pro who was really nice to her in the beginning, but over time he became scary and controlling and hit her. Then after these episodes he would go back to acting really nice and sweet but would watch her every move so she couldn't leave him, until finally she faked her own death to escape. And that's just the first 20 minutes.
What your email describes is exactly how your run-of-the-mill abusive relationship starts. If the guy always went straight to severe emotional and physical abuse in the beginning, you never would've gotten this involved in the first place. It starts with things like spitting on you and calling you a cunt. Hurting you and then saying you provoke him couldn't be more typical of abusive behavior. Ever wonder why Taylor Armstrong stuck around so long, even while Kyle was in the hot tub in Beaver Creek BEGGING her to leave? Because Taylor's husband made her feel like it was her fault and she was powerless to leave. It's a vicious cycle that weakens you over time so you keep taking it. If you really feel like you can't leave on your own, then you should look for help from a friend, family member, therapist, a fucking women's hotline. Just make sure to GTFO.
I was the black sheep out of my group of friends being the only one that was still a virgin. Until this summer I got involved with a guy, trusted him, believed all the bullshit he said to get into my pants. His lies worked and he took my virginity. What I thought was leading to a relationship was nothing but an asshole using me to make his list longer and rack up as many girls a possible. I see him everyday at school and every party since we conveniently share a lot of the same friends. Now the best conversation we have are awkward hi/byes. I'm afraid to fall back into seeing other guys because now I don't know who to trust.
Sincerely, desperate for him
Dear Desperate for him,
As much as this sucks, we wish we could say it's uncommon. It's not. He just wanted to fuck you, and we're actually really proud of you for recognizing that. Usually these letters are like, “he was amazing and then we fucked and he's ignoring me, why?” but yours reveals a level of awareness and non-delusion that's nearly shocking.
So it started off you were upset about being a virgin. Look on the bright side, you're not anymore. So you didn't have the virginity-losing fairytale you wanted? Get over it. The guy's clearly an asshole, so the only thing you can do is act like you don't care. It doesn't matter if you're “desperate for him,” just act like you're not and try to get over it. If you're not ready to see other guys, that's fine, it's not like you're in a rush to lose your virginity anymore, so you can wait to have sex again until it's with someone who's truly proven himself worthy beforehand.