Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,
First of all, I adore this site. You are amazing and flawless, just like me. Second of all, I feel like its possible I may have already lost the game in my situation, so minimal judgement, please.

I've been dating this pro for a little over two years, and he is great: sexy, rich, successful, treats me like gold, the works. But I have recently encountered a potential deal breaker of a situation. He has an ex-girlfriend who moved across the country before he and I met, and now she is coming back. My boyfriend always casually mentioned that they remained friends after they broke up and acted totally chill about it, so it was like, whatever. (Plus I'm way hotter/skinnier than her)

However, I did get  paranoid when I found out she was moving back to our city, so in a moment of weakness, I read through his texts. I discovered that this bitch is crazy. Pet names, those creepy winking smiley faces, mini-novels reminiscent of their time together, even random pictures of her smiling face (wtf?) My pro sends back chill and platonic responses for the most part, but I don't get how he can possibly find this to be normal.

So now she's moving here, and he's mentioned the fact that he is going to go see her and catch up. What is the betchy way to handle this? How can I let him know that I'm so not okay  with him hanging out with this BSCB without me looking like a BSCB for snooping through his phone?

With love and admiration,

I'm too sane for this shit

Dear I'm too sane for this shit,

So I think we can establish that you don't really trust your boyfriend. Now I'm glad you're self aware enough to fully understand that you might have some tendencies which might make you look like a complete #7 BSCB. This situation is difficult and it's hard not to look like a maniac when there's clearly someone out there trying to fuck your boyfriend and yet you don't want to come off as an untrusting psychopath. The best thing to do in this situation is nothing. You said he's answering her platonically even though she's being moderately sexual.  If there were ever a time for him to get his sext on, it would be with a girl who clearly wants to fuck him that he's already dated. But clearly he's been given the test and he passed.

That said, clearly there's no such thing as #50 guy friends so you should keep this in mind if your boyfriend is really trying to hang out with her. If she's texting him after 10 pm, if he's hanging out with her alone more than once a month, or if he doesn't offer to include you in their plans, something might be up. Since he is just trying to be friendly with her, that means he's clearly #82 over her and doesn't even care enough to have strong negative feelings towards her, which is a good thing. If you let on that you're jealous he will resent you and just want to see her more. He'll feel like you're controlling him. Therefore, pretend like you don't give a shit unless he does one of the things we just went over.

In that case, tell him you'd like to meet his friend and hint that you guys might be good friends and ask to hang out with them together. If he refuses this, that's fucking weird and you should be worried. Also, you clearly don't trust this guy so that's probably the bigger issue here. If you did you wouldn't be going through his texts. Realize this and assess how badly you want to be with someone if you have to question their loyalty and go through their shit.

Good luck,

The Betches

Dear Betch,

I am from South East London (the shitty part of London) and unfortunately I am far too poverty stricken to ever be a betch. I've noticed that unless you're an aristocrat or your dad's some middle eastern businessman then you can't really be all that betchy in the UK. For example, in the US version of my super sweet 16 peeps get fucking expensive cars, in the UK version of the show one guy got a second-hand ford focus. Case and point.

So my question is: are betches an American phenomenon or have you met any on your travels abroad. And furthermore, are you born a betch or can you become a betch?


Help me I'm poor

Dear Help Me I'm Poor,

First off, +5 for the Bridesmaids reference. From our countless British betches of the week, it should be pretty clear to you that being foreign is a major contributor to betchiness. And by foreign we say from an English speaking country. As we've said before, being a betch is not about how much money you have or who you know. It's a state of mind, it's an aura, it's a body type. So as long as you continue to not give a shit about what anyone thinks, give off your very best fuck off vibe, and continue to be #5 skinny, you too can be a betch. Some betches are born, others are made. Acquiring the right attitude is the first step and the most important part of that is not apologizing for who you are. Own it. And Jesus Christ, if you're poor just find some bro to buy you shit.


The Betches


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