Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

After 4 years of blacking out and not doing work, I recently graduated from college. Graduation was perfect, complete with diamond earrings, a new Louis Vuitton, and the promise of a fully funded trip to Europe.

The problem starts right after graduation.

I have spent my entire life having it all sorted out, as a true betch should. I have perfected the art of taking tests while still drunk/ hungover and acing them, so despite my weeknight drinking schedule, I have a fantastic GPA- in a business major from an elite school.

But now I don't have a job. I am quickly realizing that “funemployment” is not fun at all. I have gone to some interviews, (and as you suggest, I have made sure I look hot and prayed for a male interviewer) but the jobs mostly turn out to be something totally different than the description or lame sales jobs and I'm just not interested.

I feel really un-betchy at the moment! I mean, its a little embarassing that I am unemployed when people who are dumb/ ugly/ obnoxious are getting great jobs. Plus, I honestly do want to have a career before I settle down with a pro and live luxuriously ever after.

What's a betch to do?

Funemployed betch


Dear Funemployed Betch,

I’m sorry, but I honestly have no idea what you just said. So I’m gonna give you the best advice I can think of based off your pseudo name.

What you need to do is wake up tomorrow morning, take 3 80mg adderalls, drink 6 cups of coffee, and then go lay out. While basking in the sun sweating out of every pore on your hopefully slender body, make a mental list of all the things that make you happy in life. In today’s world you can make a career out of literally anything. I mean, look at the bitch who invented post-its? Apparently it’s not actually Lisa Kudrow, but whoever it is makes billions of dollars from 2’ by 2’ pieces of paper that frequently end up in the trash or on someone’s car windshield from a bad parking job. Fucking genius.

Choose which idea you think best suits you, hire a personal patent troll, ask your father to loan you $1 million for Birkins and other professional needs, and start your new entrepreneurial life.

But don’t even think about trade marking nail polish for Pomeranians. That’s been a dream of mine since childhood.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

In the fall I'm starting college at a not so betchy university in Chicago thanks to my dad insisted that I follow his legacy. I'm fucking worried because the facebook group is filled with nice girls and I literally want to vom. Everyone there is “down to earth” and like “totally chill” and I'm sort of a jap. How does a betch learn to survive in such a weird environment? I don't want to change but this place is nothing like what I'm used to, the social scene is practically obsolete. I guess I'm just asking for some tips or some sort of consoling because I'm freaking the fuck out.

UChicago (Where fun goes to die)


Dear UChicago,

Not branching out in college can be a huge issue for some betches. And, to make your situation worse, it looks like you’re going to be forced to hang out with hipsters braiding street weeds into your hair and drinking PBR. If I were in this predicament I probably would’ve pulled a Britney and shaved my head, bought a jet ticket to London, and become a starving supermodel by now. But let’s not be so dramatic.

You can actually make this situation the shining moment in your betchy life. Befriend only the coolest of the lames and make them your minions. Be the Kate Middleton of shoe-less hippies. Be the Blair Waldorf of the South Side Ganglands, or wherever the fuck your school is. Take this as an opportunity to do all the things you’ve ever wanted to do, and carry out all the annoying tasks in your life via iPhone group chat orders to your groupies.

This could be really great, UChicago, don’t fuck it up.


The Betches


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