Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

So basically I'm in a betch-fight (or a bitch-fight) with my friend that I don't know how to solve. We've been besties since soph year and have gone through lots of blackouts, spring breaks, and fake-ID's together as well as hung out, you know, sober. We've even been roommates for two years and literally we're always dating roommates or getting free dranks from bro-besties.

Basically my friend has fallen in love with a loser. He's the antithesis of a pro — a beach bum who spends his days kite-boarding at the beach, smoking weed, and playing video games on his lunch break. He had a lot of potential (Ivy league grad, played soccer in Germany after college), but in person he is the literal worst. He's not funny, not good-looking, and doesn't even do nice things for her, though he does tell her stuff like “I want to be with you forever” (barf). I legitimately hate this person and we don't interact when he comes to stay at our house. He's the definition of a dud — all my friends know it and even her parents and little betch-in-training sister want them to break up.

But my bestie is oh-so-in-love. So much so that even though she's graduating this month & our roommate-dom is coming to an end, she has invited the loser to go out with us on our last possible night of raging EVER (I don't graduate until Spring and she's moving out immediately). I asked her to un-invite him and she says she “wants him there” but whenever he goes out he just stands in the corner like a lard and rubs his receding hairline, then steals her away early to go have sex in the bathroom at home (still puking sorry).

So Question: Should I be mad at my bestie for ditching our night to reminisce about the booze, boys, and blackouts over the years? Which of us is being the un-betchiest? What's the friend/boyfriend protocol for a true betch and her true friends.


Don't you wish your boyfriend were fun like me?

Dear Don't You Wish Your Boyfriend Were Fun Like Me?

Now, maybe I'm wrong on this one but it seems like you might be a little jealous of your bestie or your bestie's boyfriend. Suddenly instead of rolling face and getting blackout with you, your BFF wants to sit home and chill with her boyfriend drinking wine and watching Love Actually. You say that your friends bf sucks because all he can do is smoke pot, play video games, and kite board but the bigger issue to me appears to be your insecurity that your friend simply likes hanging out with someone else better than you. This doesn't exactly sound like he's beating shit out of her or emotionally abusing her. In which case, why the fuck do you care what this guy does in his free time? You're not the one dating him so it's really none of your fucking business. Therefore, the issue of whether or not your friend is dating the perfect guy for her is none of your concern unless she's bitching about it to you and even then you should only be pretending to care.

Honestly, I think you need to stop obsessing over the glory days when you and your friend would make bad decisions together. Your fights with her over this guy reek of bitterness at being single and possessiveness over a girl, sorta lesibonic if you ask me, Janis Ian. Get some other friends. Go drinking with them. If your friend wants to invite this guy to come out with you on her last night of raging why would you want to force her to not invite him so she can be mis and having a less good time? What are you like in love with her or something? Who CARES if he's there. It's not your last night to rage ever. Contrary to our greatest fears and popular belief this bitch isn't dying, she's just graduating.  Party with her in June when she's figured out the best real world clubs to go to. Fucking duh.


The Betches

Dear Betches,

Is it common to feel like you should cut back on the raging and recreational substance use as you approach graduation? Never tried anything more than your basic weed/alcohol/adder, but I indulged in all three liberally and often freshman and sophomore year…and junior year (of college, I'm not a Lohan).

Now, I'm a senior preparing for law school, and the recreational habits have taken a backseat while I try to make myself feel more mature. I'll have a couple glasses of wine or blue moons on a regular basis, but that and sparking up once in a blue moon is kind of it (except for my now-prescribed adder and a hungover Halloween weekend).

I've actually developed a habit of voluntarily performing (relatively) sober bitch duties when we go out. Done every once in awhile, this kind of generous sacrifice can make you feel like a good friend/your besties owe you (people owing you shit is healthy for friendships, I heard)…but now I'm wondering if, horror of all horrors, I'm becoming a dud by renouncing black outs. I've also contemplated the possibility that this behavior might make my friends think I've become some judgmental born-again nice girl, but I'm not too concerned with that (I think). I don't judge and if you approach someone about their lack-of-drinking problem, however justified or well-intended, it's just too easy for the other person to weaken your claim by insinuating that you're just a slutty hot mess. So, I don't think they will and I'll just shame them off my back if they do.

Is this normal? Good? Overreacting to the looming prospect of having to get my shit together and become, like, a real grownup?

We'll see how long this lasts,

Reformed Rager Betch

Dear Reformed Rager Betch,

While there's nothing wrong with deciding that drinking isn't for you if you so loserishly please, I can see why you might have a fear of being labeled an UGH by your bestie group. That however, is the least of your problems after going down this sober route. While it's commendable to want to get your shit together to prepare for being in the real world, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The real world fucking sucks and like a brand new car leaving the dealership, your opportunities to rage start rapidly deteriorating as soon as you put on that fucking cap and gown. Suddenly you have to deal with disgusting things like “responsibilities.” You'll find comfort in looking back on when you used to party judgment-free and drink yourself into a healthy blackout stupor 5 days a week without regrets. Gone will be the days of rolling out of bed at 2 in the afternoon just in time to workout and get ready for the next pregame.

All that being said, why would you want to stop this cycle of 'being a real person' any earlier than you possibly had to? Tell your friends to go fuck themselves and that they should find a new designated driver who doesn't mind treating their drunken youth like a research paper they're dying to finish. Why should you give up your last few months of being a fake, self absorbed, responsibility free undergrad for the sake of being owed like, a stupid fucking favor in eight months when you won't even need to have your bestie hold your hair back while you vom.


The Betches


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