Dear Betch…

Not entirely sure why this week's theme of Dear Betch is the Virgin Suicides but here you go: 

Dear Betch,

I have a problem that is almost too embarrassing to contact you about, but, alas, I am in need of your betchdom. I might have taken the whole #8. not having sex with bros concept a little far…no, a lot too far…as in I can count the number of times I have had sex with bros on one hand.

A little background info: I went to one of those prep schools that is nothing like what you see on #73. Gossip Girl, and was basically a nice girl who #123. TTH'd. Sure, I #1. talked shit and was always on a #5. diet if not a #181. cleanse, but in the end, I didn't find my inner-betch until college.

So I had sex with my high school boyfriend right before graduation, but we were both virgins so basically it doesn't count. I had sex one time with a bro I was dating my Freshman year of college, but the next day I found out he had cheated on me, so I dumped his ass.

Since then I've had a lot of flings, gone on lots of #14. dates, had plenty of opportunities to fuck bros, but I've always taken part in #32. winning, as in taking his drugs and leaving, etc. And suddenly, I'm 20 years old and practically a virgin! To top it all off, I'm like .5 points from getting my license revoked (again) because I #130. drive like a fucking idiot! I'm a virgin who can't drive! I meannn, literally, if it weren't for the Xanax I ate for lunch, I would probably com sui at this realization.

So my question is what do I do about this predicament? Do I:
   a. Have sex with a few random bros while I'm #3. Studying Abroad?
   b. Wait for a “nice guy” to swipe my v-card, like my friends suggest, despite the fact that I #33. hate nice guys?
   c. Have sex with a college bro, even though I'm completely inexperienced and don't really know what I'm doing?
   d. None of the above?

Oh my god, #165. my life is a joke. How did I let it come to this? It's like only #139. shit I haven't lost is my virginity. Anyway, PLEASE embark some of your wisdom.


A (practically) Virgin Betch who can (barely) drive

Dear A (practically) Virgin Betch who can (barely) drive,

First of all, -5 for excessive use of hashtags. As Janis Ian would say, that's only okay when we do it. I'm no therapist but your obsession with using this vernacular might be 80% of the problem with your personality. The other part seems to be in part some level of delusion or a mental disorder. What part of your story containing very explicit statements about you having sex with at least 2 guys do you think makes you a virgin? Because the definition of a virgin is someone who's never had sex and you've done it twice so let's throw out letter B since you're clearly not smart enough to realize it isn't a valid option.

On top of that notion I'd like to reiterate that it's not the number of guys you sleep with but the quality of guys that you sleep with and since you've already wasted two numbers on guys you hate I'd say it's time to step back and notice that you're looking at sex from the entirely wrong angle. Your life shouldn't be consumed with how many guys you've had sex with and when/where/why you're going to do it. Your life should just be lived naturally, not giving a shit, enjoying your college years partying, and doing whatever the fuck you want. Stop trying so hard to be seen as having a normal sex life and just have one. No one else cares so neither should you.

Your life is only as big of a joke as you allow it to be so stop acting like a desperate whorish clown and learn to drive.


The Betches

Dear Betch,

My question is pretty simple. Is it considered sex if the guy doesn't finish? I know this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask, but I'm sort of in a predicament.

I've been dating this guy (not exactly a pro or bro, think more he loves cats, reefer, and doing whatever the fuck I say) for a few months now and finally decided he was worthy to taking it to the next level. One night, we were at his place and were pretty highly intoxicated and when it got to the point where we usually stop we didn't. But, since it was our first time together, I didn't want it to happen while I was blackout, so part of the way through I stopped him and it was whatever. Nothing was weird. That is until the next day when he had sobered up and decided to tell me he was in fact still a virgin. Since we stopped before it got too heated, was it still considered sex?

I for some reason actually have feelings for this guy, and don't know how what to say when he asks if it counts.

Help a betch out?

A (Not exactly) Fucked Girlfriend

Dear A (Not Exactly) Fucked Girlfriend,

Bigger than the question of whether or not it counts is the question of why you care in the first place. If this guy is your boyfriend and you're seriously considering having sex with him, you should be able to talk openly about the fact that he's a virgin and the technicalities of the fact that he didn't finish and that you didn't want to have sex while blackout.

Although I don't consider something sex unless the guy finishes (and a lot of people don't consider it sex unless BOTH parties finish) this is really whatever you want it to be, however you want to label it. It doesn't really matter to anyone besides the people involved. This guy isn't a fucking game show host, he doesn't need a black-or-white, yes-or-no answer. I assume any sex where neither party finishes is shitty sex so why you're asking us instead of just having real sex (assuming this guy is great to you and deserving) is beyond me.


The Betches

Got a question that your real therapist is too nice to understand? Email the betches at with the subject “Dear Betch” to get your most fucked up questions answered.


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