Dear Betch…

Dear Betches,

What to do when a betch is in a fucking predicament? Go to the head betches, because they know best. So the other day I casually went to #186 Starbucks to obviously get my venti skim milk and 2 sweeteners iced coffee fix, wearing my oversized #60 sunglasses and all, clearly not giving a fuck, and who do I see as I walk in- a former fling of mine on a date.

Now let me fill you in on the background story. This #62 pro and I met about 3 years ago, and didn't catch up until last month. For the past month, we've been texting here and there, managed to chill once since we've last seen each other way back in the high school days, liked each other's insta pictures, bla bla bla… We try to make more plans but since we're both busy with school, work and getting fucked up/ blacked out/ taking trips to #10 candyland, it's been hard.

SOOOO FLASHFORWARD to the awkward Starbucks encounter  As I walk in looking all hot and shit, I see him in line with a girl and no doubt he sees me too. Duh first betch instinct is to grab my #193 bedazzled iPhone start texting, tweeting whatever I can to avoid the #88 Stop and Chat. But, when I look up he's staring yet doesn't say hi or wave. I get my drink before them, and take a seat, and where do they decide to sit, right fucking next to me. My life sucks at this point, considering he has made no effort.

After 10 minutes of the awkwardness I leave (even though I was suppose to meet my girls there), and literally die of laughter in my car. BETCHES, I don't get it? The fuck is happening? I thought he was interested considering he always instigated making plans, the day before he even texted me asking me what I was doing on the weekend, I'm not pissed he was with a girl, I just don't get why he didn't say hi.


I'm Still Hotter Than The Bitch You're With

Dear Starbucks Psycho,

First off, the amount of sweeteners you put in your Starbucks coffee is about as interesting to me as the reason you've decided to fully memorize and number our Betch List. Secondly, I don't even know where to begin in terms of making fun of this letter.

You say you've sort of rekindled with an old flame/flame (and by rekindled you reference liking each other's instagram pics which is the hottest form of foreplay since Michael Jackson stopped hosting children's slumber parties) and have seen him approximately one time since said romance has re-begun.  I'm going to let you in on a fact that you clearly have not picked up on no matter how many articles of ours you seem to have read. There's no such thing as being too busy to see someone you like. No matter how fucked up you get on a regular basis, how many trips you're going on, or how serious your Roxie addiction, no one is too busy to see someone they generally want to fuck hang out with. Now, back to your delusional relationship.

From what I gather, the your main issue here is that you went into Starbucks, saw this guy with a girl who he probably is dating/having sex with, and he failed to say hi or acknowledge you, a girl he used to chill with three years ago and has been cyber flirting with for a couple of weeks. I mean fucking duh he's not going to say hi to you. He's with another girl and the nature of your relationship is romantic so why would he possibly want to admit to knowing you in front of her? This is a real person he's interacting with, not some probably slutty girl he's keeping in his backup bin for a potential late night booty call.

He's clearly not going to jeopardize that by introducing the two of you. Now instead of ducking out, going into your car, and giggling by yourself like a twelve year old loser, you should've gone over to him and said hi, fake smiled, and waited for your besties like a real normal social human being. By leaving you were making things more comfortable for him and letting him think he could just ignore you at his own control and convenience. Saying hi would prove that you don't give a shit and he has no affect on your actions or life, which he shouldn’t…because you barely know him…

So if you didn't know, now you know,

The Betches

P.S. Your iPhone is bedazzled. – 5


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