Dartmouth Bans Hard Alcohol Sealing It’s Fate As Suckiest Ivy

Dartmouth College, already everyone’s last-choice Ivy League college (ok, maybe Penn…), has a problem: Fucking kids these days don’t respect the high-falutin’ institution of learnin’, and would instead rather party. The solution to this grave anomaly among colleges? Ban hard liquor from campus! No, seriously:

“We do not need hard alcohol at Dartmouth. In fact, many students have suggested it shouldn’t be here. Beginning today, Dartmouth will take a lead among colleges in dealing with hard alcohol on campus. Hard alcohol will not be served at events open to the public — whether the event is sponsored by the college or by student organizations. Penalties for students found in possession of hard alcohol will ramp up. And so will penalties for those who purchase and provide any alcohol to minors.”

Yes, because prohibition was such a successful experiment. This foolhardy initiative ignores two things: One, liquor (and beer and wine) is already “banned” for anywhere from half to ¾ of the campus by virtue of them being under 21. Two, this really only affects the people most likely to have an “extreme event.” If you make it illegal to rip shots in plain view at a frat party, then sure – you’ve made it that much harder to get drunk quickly. But that doesn’t take into account that the sort of people looking to get that profoundly drunk can (and will) find other ways – wine bongs, anyone? Basically, limiting access to a substance has not and never will prevent people from getting it or finding alternatives. How many of us kept a handle of cheap shit vodka hidden in our dressers freshman year? We weren’t “allowed” to have it then, either, and yet here we are.

In a telephone interview with The Washington Post, Hanlon said his goal is a college “where students are 24/7 learners, where intellectual growth occurs outside the classroom as much as inside the classroom.”

This is just the dumbest fucking thing. Let’s all please stop and admit that, unless you’re a STEM major, you likely learned far more useful information in high school than you did in college. While there’s always a concession to vague “skills” and “well-roundedness,” a college education is by and large useless from an academic perspective, unless you intend to remain in academia. College is, most crucially, a very expensive incubator for people who are adults in name but not capacity – a place to keep 18-22 yr olds from killing themselves until they resemble something approaching contributing members of society. To think of college as anything else, some platonic ideal of intellectualism and studious virtue, is mental masturbation of the highest order.

Dartmouth President Philip J. Hanlon also intends to ban the probationary pledge period required by fraternities and sororities (ha), and group freshmen into “communities” that he hopes will remain intact throughout the students’ tenure. Yeah, because it’s not like I forgot the names of everyone on my freshman hall within a week of orientation, or anything.

Fuck Dartmouth and its weird schedule


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