Your Cuffing Season 2018 Horoscope

Ah, cuffing season. You know, that time of year when the temperature starts to drop, and you suddenly feel like a stage five clinger frolicking around town in your slutty fall looks, secretly hoping to cross paths with Mr. Right? Now, if this doesn’t sound like you, then you’re probably that betch who hibernates in her pajamas binge-watching romantic comedies like Love Actually before inhaling the rest of the holiday cookie dough. Um, regardless, we’re all mad needy during this time of year, so if you’re stressing over your sex life or whether or not you’re getting cuffed this season, not to worry. These are your cuffing season horoscopes.


The sun is currently shining its cosmic rays over your matchmaking seventh house, and the horny eighth house of sex later this month. Long story short, you’re basically in heat, Aries. Although don’t get too crazy, considering Venus, the Regina George of the cosmos, is now retrograde in suspicious Scorpio until November 16. Yes, retrograde means your ex is secretly watching your every move behind the nearest bush. Wait, did you hear that? Everyone is suspect.


You’re flirting your ass off at work, you saucy betch. With the sun burning up your sixth house of OCD and responsibility, you’re giving it your all at the office these days, literally. Although truth is, you’re secretly getting ready for a Scorpio season slut-a-thon. Are you looking for something serious? Venus is retrograde in your bump-and-grind seventh house until November 16, so look out for toxic flings and reappearing exes.


Get off the stage, Gemini. Okay, fine, but make sure you finish what you just started. The sun has morphed into a disco ball in your slutty fifth house of passion and shameless teasing; however, it moves into your responsibility zone of day-to-day grind later this month, and well, let’s get down to unfinished business…I mean business. Are you seriously crushing on the FedEx guy? Passing out after partying way too much is never fun, especially when your car smells like Taco Bell.


Get the f*ck out of your pajamas, Cancer. If you watch 13 Going on 30 one more time, there will be no thirty, flirty, and thriving in your future, so get it together. Granted, the sun is rocking you to sleep in your fourth house of there’s no place like home, but not for long, Dorothy. It will soon enter your flamboyant fifth house of hoeing and love at first sight. However, let’s not plan a wedding just yet, considering Venus is retrograde in this area of your chart. In the meantime, feel free to doodle both of your names on your iridescent notepad.


Stop trying to make fetch happen, Leo. With the sun skipping through your third house of gab and juicy gossip, you’re spilling the beans left and right. You obviously had zero shame asking the waiter for his rising sign the other night, too, but hey no one’s judging, your majesty. The sun enters your cozy fourth house later this month, so prepare to flake on your crew. It’s your turn to binge-watch Stranger Things, and well, maybe some Netflix and chill, too.


Put your calculator away! Granted, with the sun shedding an annoying light over your second house of income, you’ve been stressing over your bills, bills, bills. However, take a breath and look in the mirror. Remember who the f*ck you are, Virgo. Venus is currently retrograde in your sh*t-talking third house, stirring up old gossip, and possibly sparking a new friends with benefits adventure. Sexting is inevitable, but look out for screenshots.


Happy Birthday sex, Libra. The spotlight is on you, as per usual, except your self-centered ruling planet Venus is currently reverse in Scorpio, and your second house of confidence. Stop crying, you can have any guy that you want, just make sure to ditch that creepy ex-boyfriend of yours. In the meantime, Victoria’s Secret is having a sale, so make sure you go to the mall and buy yourself something nice. Besides, a girl can never have too much lingerie, right?


Hi, Scorpio. Hate to break it to you, but everyone knows you’re hiding out until Halloween. I get it though, the sun is in your shady twelfth house of secret enemies and déjà vu, and maybe you’re not in the mood to interact with any living species. However, that betch Venus is currently retrograde in your sign, stirring up all types of feels, so don’t take your moods too seriously. You are not your thoughts, except when you’re thinking about sex. Speaking of which, secret lovers are on the horizon for you, betch.


You’re slutting it up, as per usual, giving the term “single and ready to mingle” a whole new meaning these days. I mean, have you seen your DMs lately? Irregardless, the sun enters your oh-so-quiet twelfth house of crystals and sage later this month, so feel free to invoke your lovers via rituals and witchcraft. However, don’t get all Maleficent with your love spells. Venus is retrograde in this area of your chart, and you’re reaping those one-nighter TBTs. What goes around cums comes around.


Getting cuffed is the last thing on your mind, but then again, what’s new? You’re a workaholic betch, and with the sun putting your career in the spotlight, you honestly couldn’t care less about anyone in sight. Kudos on your work wardrobe, BTW. Venus the gold digger is now retrograde, schmoozing her way through your friendship zone, possibly bringing up old relationship drama, and “he said, she said” bullsh*t. Butter isn’t a carb, but who cares, you’re getting cheese fries.


Settle the f*ck down, Aquarius. You’re making a scene, and everyone saw you pop a squat that night in the parking lot. The sun is clearly frolicking through your adventurous ninth house of road trips, and flip cup, but even still, how could you? It doesn’t help that Venus is moving backward through your corporate tenth house, sparking some VERY unnecessary hookups. Don’t sh*t where you eat. Don’t do it.


Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Pisces. How do you expect to start a solid relationship if you’re still hooking up with that f*ckboy? The sun is in your shadowy sex house, stirring up insecurities and unnecessary paranoia, so don’t order another jack on the rocks. The queen of the plastics, Venus, is moving backward through your adventurous ninth house of one-night-stands. Okay, so maybe I’m kidding about the one-night-stands, but what about the mile high club? Don’t underestimate the power of travel flings.

Images: Brooke Cagle / Unsplash; Giphy (4)

Valerie Mesa
Valerie Mesa
Valerie is an astrologer, writer and third-generation witch. Her favorite things to write about are mysticism and sex; the Moon is her muse.