Ah, Cosmo. While I’m sure that, at one point in time, it was a radical feminist publication, now it mainly serves as a source of a good laugh—at least, as far as their sex tips are concerned. I feel like their pitch meetings must consist of a bunch of bored twentysomethings sitting at a table playing sexual MadLibs. “I need an O-shaped noun, a synonym for penis, and an adverb!” “Bagel, member, discreetly!” “Yes, that’s it! ‘Place a bagel atop your man’s member and discreetly move it in small circles…” I’m not mad about it, because it’s given us plenty of material to roast. We’ve come for their dating advice, their sex positions, and oh yeah, that one homemade sex toy involving a sock and a plastic bag. I feel like at this point they should put a disclaimer at the top of these articles that reads, “No sexually active persons were involved in the making of this article.” And now they are back at it again, with an article oddly specifically titled, “This Sext Has A 99.2% Success Rate” that ran in the February 2020 print issue of the magazine. *Cracks knuckles gleefully* I can’t wait for this.
First thoughts: A 99.2% success rate? Wow, that’s specific! How did they arrive at this figure, you ask? Was it through analyzing data received from surveys? A double-blind empirical study? Not quite. Per the article’s dek, the author in question asked nearly 1,000 guys to “share their takes on the hottest sexts they’ve ever seen”. After “some collating, synthesizing, and data analyzing,” Cosmo returns with the “top-ten ranking of the world’s most effective sexts.” Wait, so is this a ranking or a guarantee for success? Because if it’s a ranking, then by definition, some of these sexts will be less effective than others. And if they’re all 99.2% effective, then there is no ranking. So I ask you, Cosmo:
Ambiguous methodology aside, that’s not why we are really here. We are obviously here to get a load of what cringey messages Cosmo is passing off as fool-proof sexts. And there are some real winners in this list:
Okay, so I guess the first thing I feel the need to point out is that half of these are only a good idea to send if you actually want the recipient of your texts to come over at 2am. In which case, you can skip all the soft-core porn language and just be like “U up? Come over.” I promise you he will get the point. Because if you are just like, feeling yourself and want some assistance while you rub one out (don’t worry, I will be throwing myself in the nearest ravine for that phrasing), the last thing you want is some horned-up dude showing up to your place because you low-key explicitly invited him over to jackhammer your cervix and then ask you if it was good. Now you have to deal with his general existence, ego, and the fact that he’s going to pass out spread eagle style and take up your entire bed…
Anyway. These sexts.
“I’m out with my friends and I’m secretly drenched just thinking about you” — I thought there was no word less sexy than “moist”, but somehow, “drenched” is really coming in a close second for me. Leave your tenth grade literary devices lesson at home, and just say you’re wet.
“Just showered. Wish you were here :(“ — I’m just personally against sending any message that, out of context, could 100% belong on r/niceguys or any Instagram account that exposes f*ckboys’ texts.
“I want you to finger me until I come on your hand” — Okay, are we spelling it “come” now? It’s only “cum” when guys do it? This is not really a point of contention, so much as me genuinely wanting to know. Not going to lie, I think they are on the money with the specificity of this one, I just think that specificity is misplaced. Never have I ever had a guy get excited about the prospect of fingering me until I came on his hand. His hand?! Eat me out until I came on his face? Absolutely. But I feel like if I sent this text about fingering, he’d just be like, “why? Are we in middle school?” I feel like there is a reason that there are no song lyrics about riding someone’s hand.
“NSFW Snap coming your way” —This one is hilarious for two reasons. One, you can just send the Snap without announcing you’re going to send it. It’s like people who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” before they ask you the actual question. But two, and more importantly, is the little author’s note, which reads, “The promise of visuals is key. No actual pics needed—it’s the tease itself that slays him.” I feel like they included this caveat so no one would accuse them of telling their audience to send nudes. If you’re not comfortable sending sexy pics, that is perfectly okay, and don’t do it. But also don’t promise to do it. That’s just weird! He’ll probably get turned on for like, 30 minutes, then get confused and send you a bunch of “?” texts, and then be like:
If you don’t send nudes, be upfront and tell whoever you’re texting that. A simple “I don’t do that” works. Don’t half-acquiesce, you’re just setting yourself up for more problems in the future.
And one final glaring hole I noticed in this list (no pun intended, I swear) is that nowhere is it encouraged for women to actually use the word pussy. I can promise you, it will not scare the guy off (the opposite, in fact—if you don’t believe me, just spend like, five minutes scrolling the comments section on Pornhub). And if it does? Good, that’s one guy you should not let near your—yeah, I’m going to say it—PUSSY. I just take an issue with the fact that this is attempting to (sort of) empower women to take control of their own sexuality (even if it is, in this instance, to ultimately please a man), and not even encourage them to even mention their own sex organs!!! If you hate the word on a personal level, that’s fine, but I’m a little shocked it didn’t come up in even one suggestion, when we have two sexts with the word “dick”.
To be fair, a bunch of these are solid sexts. “Can I come over and sit on your face”? classic. “I want your dick so bad”? a banger. “I can’t wait to come over and suck your dick”? Works 60% of the time, every time. Cosmo, I would say that you can do a little better than this, but I’m not really sure that you can, and at this point, I don’t even think I want you to.
Images: Michael Gresset / Unsplash; Cosmo; Giphy (2)