A Strongly Worded Letter to the Condescending Sober Friend

Dear Sober Sisters,

We get it. You’re not as subtle as you think you are, sitting in the corner of the booth with your “mocktail” and rolling your eyes every time someone suggests a round of shots. We know you’re sober and we know you’re angry that everyone else is on their way to a solid blackout and guess what? We don’t care.

You chose to come out tonight. For some unknown reason, you actively chose to be the sober girl in a group of people whose sole intent was to drink enough alcohol to shut part of their brains down. That was you. We never pretended to be interested in anything other than how much free vodka we could consume, and yet you came out anyway. Now here you are, two hours later, doing everything you can to ruin everybody else’s night. Don't come at me with your blatant eye rolls or passive suggestions to “take it easy.” You’re not my mother, you’re not the bouncer, and you’re not some bro who I conned into paying for my drinks, so your opinion doesn't matter.

We don't hate you for not drinking. If you want to waste a Friday night on sobriety, more power to you, I guess. No, we hate you for not drinking while you sit on your high fucking horse. We hate you for being that asshole who reminds everyone what they did while they were blacked out. We hate you for the condescending way you ask “how are you feeling?” the next morning when we’re clearly hungover as fuck. We don’t care that you’re not drinking with us, we care that you’re clearly hell bent on sucking the fun out of our nights. News flash: being sober doesn't make you a better person, it just makes you sober (and boring).

So next time, do everyone a favor and just don’t go out. Save yourself the effort of getting ready just so you can sit on the sidelines and pout while everyone else enjoys themselves. It’s obvious you hate life, and even more obvious that we hate you.


The (drunk) betches


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