238. College Towns

Even if your school is located in the most obscure shit town on this planet, there’s just something about your college town that makes it the betchiest place on the map.

It’s definitely not New York or L.A., but there’s a certain glamour that comes with the streets of the town you did countless walks of shame in, the pizza places you drunkenly dragged your roommates to at 3 AM after too many rounds of tequila shots at the shit hole that was your college bar, and the giant fountain in the middle of campus that you may or may not have danced in your freshman year. You ruined your Alexander McQueen wedges that night, but it taught you to never wearing expensive shoes out to a fucking frat party.

So many of your best college memories revolve around what shit goes down in your college town. If you actually even have any memories – probably just recollections pieced together by your besties the next morning over bagels at your favorite deli. The owner of that deli knows you by name because no one forgets a hot betch. Also, no one forgets college girls going over their Sunday morning regrets – that shit’s more interesting than the homeless guy down the street who thinks he’s the mayor.

Keeping on the theme of food, there’s that place at the end of the main road that you always somehow ended up at after yet another night at your favorite college bar that probably didn’t even acknowledge the fact that your name was spelled wrong on that fake ID you ordered with half your freshman floor from a sketchy guy named Juan in order to get the group discount.

This late night pizza/Mexican food/any other regrettable drunk food place has seen you at your absolute worst (blackout and missing one shoe) after an extremely long crawl and also at your absolute best when you’re happily drunk at 3 PM in the afternoon after a solid day of daging and just really craving a burrito.

Then there are all the landmarks of your college town. When we say landmarks we mean the shitty yet somehow noteworthy places around campus where some of your best blackout moments happened. The beautiful trees surrounding the “prestigious” library? You peed there fall semester sophomore year when you left the party early because you were sick of creepy bros trying to grind on you. The giant/creepy statue of your school’s mascot out in the middle of the green? You had sex with your WGA there after a particularly passionate fight. The front lawn of your college president’s house? Can’t even put what happened there in writing, TBH.

College towns hold a place in a betches’ hearts not because they are postcard worthy or beautiful by any means. Fugly losers always ramble on and on about how scenic their college town is because the most exciting thing to happen to them while living there was probably a pleasant stroll in the fucking town park. Betches make any place they are automatically the place to be and college towns are no exception. You and your college besties walking down Main Street on your way to Tequila Thursday. Now, that’s a scene to take in.


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