“Iʼm getting my life together, Iʼm going on a cleanse to detox!” – a statement that gets us through our Sunday morning regrets like blow gets models through breakfast. After a weekend bender in Candyland and enough vodka sodas to cure an Arizona drought, we devote 3-7 days of our lives to cleansing. Cleansing is as vital to our upkeep as #168 Soul Cycle, #61 yoga, and our endless supply of #152 expensive skin shit.
Cleansing is like confession, we acknowledge that we fucked up our bodies, maybe fucked a bro and now we ask our metabolism for forgiveness by detoxifying it with magical antioxidants and a $200 mix of kale. Weʼre obviously not talking about actually going to a Farmerʼs Market and bargaining for local produce and juicing it ourselves, thatʼs for Teva-wearing hippies who could totally be a farmer in those clothes.
Cleansing allows us to #5 not eat without raising any questions. We get to talk about ourselves and our clean colons, like that time Katie Couric used a guest interview to talk about her eating disorder for an hour. Any time someone else starts talking we just bring the convo back to our cleanse. For example someone says: “While I was on a cruise to Greenland there were huge icebergs,” you reply “Iʼm on this cleanse, I canʼt even think about iceberg lettuce!” Any person we come in contact with, even if itʼs a homeless person asking for change, will know about our fucking cleanse, and yes we want a medal or a monument for it – and no I donʼt have 25 cents to spare, despite this 9 dollar juice in my hand.
Aside from talking about ourselves, the best part of cleansing is that come Blackout Wednesday, we get more fucked up more quickly because all weʼve had is liquid for the past three days. Our weekend juices usually have an extra ingredient, vodka. Obviously weʼre not going to turn down shots for a fucking juice, would Lindzlo say no to drugs?
When it comes to choosing the right cleanse, our rule is if itʼs good enough for an A-list celeb, weʼll gladly down it while explaining that “itʼs just like the one Gwyenth went on pre-that movie where she looked skinny.” Some cleanses weʼre down with are Blueprint, Organic Ave, Gwyn’s month long detox, and Salma Hayekʼs Cooler Cleanse. Salms is a self proclaimed juice aﬁcionado and like, she can play a Colombian better than an actual Colombian, so clearly she knows a thing or two about purity.
Finally, once you’ve obtained your cleanse, be sure to carry it around with you wherever you go. Carrying your cleanse is a staple in the effortless chic look but be mindful not to drink it in public because despite what the reviews say, that shit is disgusting. You may be able to hide your hungover eyes with a pair of sunglasses but nothing can disguise a mouth that looks like it’s about to scream, “I just drank manure.”