I’ve said it before, but right now I need to say it more than ever: The Bachelorette/Bachelor producers are working harder than the US Congress, Kris Jenner, and the devil himself. Not 12 hours ago, we were watching Pilot Pete be eviscerated live on stage by Hannah Ann and his own mother, in what really might have been the most dramatic finale ever. But ABC is not done yet! Peter’s season is not even cold in its grave yet, but it’s officially Clare Crawley’s time to shine. This morning, we got our first look at Clare’s contestants on The Bachelorette, and though we are all so very tired, we must persevere.
As they’ve done for the last few seasons, ABC chose to use Facebook to reveal the contestants, so no, you can’t delete your Facebook account yet. Don’t get too excited yet, because these aren’t the official cast bios. Those will come later, and obviously we’ll roast them when they do. These are just the Walmart photo studios headshots they make the contestants take when they show up for filming, and all we get is name, age, and hometown. Internet, do your thing and suss out any of these guys who may be problematic.
Even without the full bios for Clare’s contestants, there is still plenty of material to work with, so let’s dive right in.
Looking through the dudes, there’s one huge elephant in the room, so let’s just talk about it. See this man? This is Matt J, from New York City. As in, Matt James. As in, Tyler Cameron’s best friend and roommate, Matt James from New York City. Honestly, I think the producers are just trolling us at this point. Is he here for the right reasons? Probably not, but I kind of love that this show is shameless enough to cast him. Maybe he’ll be the Bachelor next year, and Tyler can come back as his advisor? Hopefully that’s allowed in Tyler’s Barkitecture contract!
Okay, I know I said there was one huge elephant in the room, but I think there are actually two. Sure, ABC casting Matt James is fun and messy, but I have some more serious concerns when it comes to the ages of the contestants. Last week, after Clare (who is 38) was chosen as the lead, Reality Steve reported that the season was being partially recast to include more age-appropriate contestants. One guy who was allegedly let go for being 25 even posted a ridiculous message on Instagram! It seemed like ABC was committed to giving Clare a decent selection of men she might actually want to date… but that didn’t really happen.
Out of 32 contestants, 23 of them are in their twenties. Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating younger guys, but right off the bat, more than 70% of Clare’s choices are basically a decade younger than her, if not more. Unless she told the producers she prefers younger guys, I feel like this is a big mistake. To make matters worse, only TWO of the men are Clare’s age or older, and I really just don’t understand. While Bret E is a seriously hunky 42-year-old, he’ll be competing for Clare’s heart along with this 23-YEAR-OLD CHILD:
This is James C, and though he’s from Chicago, I know exactly who this man is in New York City. He hangs out exclusively in Murray Hill, where he is constantly trying to impress women by making his entry-level finance job sound more important than it is. He still thinks Saturdays are for the boys, and is almost definitely averse to performing oral sex. I can’t speak for Clare, but I feel like I’m too mature for James C, and I’m only one year older than him. ABC, what is you doin’???
Aside from the obvious age issues, it’s hard to say too much about these guys, because I don’t really want to just critique their looks. Well, I want to, but my editor has told me that’s not cool, so we’ll wait for the bios to properly make fun of them for their fake job titles and ridiculous fun facts. But I just have to point out this man, who looks exactly like Jed Wyatt. Like, did Jed change his name to Anthony and move to California? Wait, actually, it wouldn’t surprise me if Jed went into witness protection after last season—can someone look into this? But yeah, I’ll be calling this man Jed Jr., and I don’t want to hear any protests.
Okay one more thing about Jed Jr. Why is his watch so big??? He probably can’t even tell time, he just looks at the watch and shouts things like “it’s time to get lit!” Ugh. I don’t trust men who wear watches like this, and I hope Clare will notice this and immediately send him packing.
With the photos of Clare’s contestants being released, it means the men have all arrived for filming, and Clare’s season will probably start taping this week. It’s only a matter of time before the spoilers start rolling in or someone inevitably gets Me Too’d, and personally, I can’t wait. I gotta say, this batch of half-baked men doesn’t make me confident that Clare Crawley’s fifth time on a Bachelor will be the charm, but who knows, maybe she’ll surprise us? Bless this mess.
Images: ABC/Paul Hebert; The Bachelorette / Facebook
