Betches, we’ve talked a lot about cities across the globe. From Barcelona to Florence to Sydney, there are dozens of cities that are temporary homes to traveling betches everywhere. There is however, one place that supersedes the rest in terms of quality of betchiness. A place where things like #134 dancing on tables, adventures to #10 Candyland, and #154 rolling deep are more prevalent than food. A place where ecstacy practically flows from the faucets. Yes, we’re talking about Las Vegas’s rehab-bound euro-chic older sister. The season may be over, but it's never too late to talk about Ibiza.
Now one thing about Ibiza is that you can’t stay for longer than 5 days or you will die… there is a 99% chance you will kill yourself or take bad drugs that you bought at some bodega on the street. It’s kind of like Fairy Land from True Blood, except everybody’s trying to get fucked.
Preparation for an insane trip to Ibiza is extremely important. While amateurs might think it’s a “beach” town and you can wear flip flops, this is only true if you’re a poverty stricken raver. It’s essential to purchase at least 10 five hour energies before you land in Ibiza because they do not sell them there and then you’ll be forced into triple espressos and accepting cocaine from random strangers to stay alive. Your only itinerary essentials amidst constantly doing drugs, drinking, and dancing is a single designated nap time at 8:30 pm. Dinner is at 10:30 so time that out the right way or you’re more fucked than a menstruating girl without tampon on a transatlantic flight.
While you might think you need tickets to events like SHM or David Guetta, Ibiza is similar to any major city where if you’re hot, you find the VIP guys with the table and cut the line for free. Just beware that these skeevy euros can and will roofie you. They are still strangers regardless of how “well” you got to know them while cruising around on their yachts.
Day Parties: There will be lots of day parties, concerts, and raves but you need to choose your day activity wisely because you may not want to do back to back raves…this shit can get repetitive. Let’s touch on a few.
Zoo Project is a day party that is out fucking control. You dress up skanky so it’s a great way to relive Halloween but your themes already chosen and you don’t even have to pretend to not want to dress as slutty as possible. You don’t wear heels to this event, it’s a fucking mess, and you should plan on having drinks all over you and looking like a train hit you upon leaving.
Formentera is an island off of Ibiza and the only way to go is by private boat. Make friends or call the number on the back of your amex to book you one, none of that ferry shit. In case you haven’t heard, public transportation is for poor people. Once you get to the island you can go to Juan y Andrea for lunch (owned by the Pacha owners, much like everything else) and get wasted on rose and sangria. This place is so betchy that they even have their own clothing line that everyone buys at the restaurant and wears.
Blue Marlin is a great spot to chill and tan. You have to reserve beds but if you don’t look cute they will say your bed was taken or that you just can’t come in because you look like shit. This is a classy establishment so if you think it’s okay to walk in with a pair of shitty Havaianas you can go fuck yourself.
Finally, Bora Bora beach club is more rowdy than Blue Marlin but not as classy.
Restaurants: If you have a chance for food, take it… nourishment is very difficult to make time for in Ibiza and is essential to that whole ‘staying alive’ thing.
KM5 – very cool spot with great food and sexy waiters. A masseuse may come around and rub your back while you smoke hookah, drink free shots, and mingle with Ibiza socialites.
LIO – This is like Britain’s Got Talent meets Cirque du Soleil and the food tastes like Mr. Chow/Lavo fusion. The view is amazing, it’s on the water and the performances run for 7 minutes every half hour. You will stay here until 2am and then venture to Pacha where you will party until 6am.
Clubs: You should always stay mainstream with the clubs and don’t get creative, you’ll regret it later when you’re comatose inside the bedroom of a local.
Pacha: Obviously the number one choice because Pacha runs shit. It’s almost hard to find something in Ibiza without those two dangling red cherries. Don’t feel bad about not branching out and doing Pacha every night because they have the best VIP area so you’re not being sweat on by amateurs. Fuck Me I’m Famous (David Guetta and Afrojack) perform there on Thursdays so you’re guaranteed to have a great night.
Space: An enormous club with tons of different rooms playing different music. A little bit more hardcore than pacha and the VIP area isn’t as good so you’re going to want to be on the floor in the middle of the mess.:
So betches, if you’re interested in spending a long weekend in a place where the fattest Europeans are smaller than the skinniest Americans, age and weight discrimination is alive and well, and the party literally never stops, ask your dad to send you to Ibiza to roll your face off and drink your weight in Sangria, vodka, and gluttony.