Chipotle’s Opening A Burger Chain, Get Ready For Food Poisoning

For the past year Chipotle’s been struggling pretty hardcore, what with their burritos causing E. coli outbreaks more often than not (gross). Well, in order to help recover the lost appetites of Americans and really take the bull by the horns (it’s a metaphor but that actually is happening though), the Mexican chain has just put in a request for the trademark for the name of their newest idea: gourmet customizable hamburgers, with a restaurant called Better Burger (grosser). Chipotle hopes to rival Five Guys, Shake Shack, and literally every other “gourmet” burger chain that does the build-your-own thing—which, btw, even includes fucking McDonald’s. Good plan. Honestly, the worst food poisoning I ever had was caused by a burger at Five Guys, so maybe Chipotle’s getting into the right market?

Already the owner of two non-burrito making restaurants incidentally nobody has ever heard of—ShopHouse (Southeast Asian food) and Pizzeria Locale (obviously pizza)—Chipotle hopes to use its “model” for all the foods that could possibly give someone diabetes. No matter how many “organic” ingredients Chipotle claims it’s using in its burrito bowls or hamburgers or whatever the hell else it decides it’s going to sell next, people will most likely never forget the hospitalization of over 50 people in 11 different states strictly because everything Chipotle touches turns to shit (literally).