Chic Betch: Getting Wet Never Looked So Good

So I am very far from impressed with the swimsuits this season but obviously that won’t stop me from purchasing some new ones. It seems like every store and website is full of suits with trashy cutouts, high waisted bottoms, ruffles, chains, or better yet… a little diamond shape that covers your vag with strings. A betch really cannot win this season but she will go down trying.

I’m going to break this down by boobs because I don’t want to see you betches with a huge rack spilling out of a victoria’s secret push up bikini and vice versa.

Mosquito Bites

Being a betch with mosquito bites is nothing to be ashamed of so cheer up and own your place on the chain of breasts. There are many ways to enhance the bites and give the illusion that you’ve got that full handful. Unfortunately, the best choices come from Victoria’s Secret so you have to be very careful not to pick the trashy option… very, very careful.

Bikini, Victoria’s Secret: I recommend this suit in the “got-a-mint” color scheme although there are a few others that are very cute. The mint makes you look so fucking tan so if you’ve been forced to take a few tanning days off due to inclement weather (or like, actual work. Gross), you’re saved. I’m not a huge fan of the key-hole in the strap but I’ve seen this suit on and it does WONDERS for the boobs. This suit is really for the small chested so I don’t want to see any apple boobs trying to stuff themselves into this suit. Spare us. See it here>>

Bandeau Bikini, Victoria's Secret: I really love this suit. The fit, style and color options (pacific blue is the favorite) all scream class. If you run into your summer fling with his family on the beach, rest assured, you've got the thumbs up. This suit gives great cleavage for the little guys and has the perfect amount of gold hardware. The “cheeky” bottom is super cute on the ass if you’re packing any kind of heat. Otherwise, stick to string. Apple boobs are welcome to try this on as well. See it here>>

Bikini, Melissa Odabash: I love the print of this bikini but I will warn you that this is for a betch who is willing to rock a smaller chest and own it. This bikini won’t give you any crazy cleavage but if you have that tan, flawless skin this suit will be absolutely gorgeous on you! The print, color and hint of gold make it fun and sexy. Own your tiny tits and give it a try! See it here>>


You’re the lucky betch. You’ve got the best of both worlds; the perky part of the bites and a nice size that hasn’t crossed over to grapefruits. You have a lot more options with a set of apples so make sure you debut them in the best way possible.

Bikini, Le Tarte: I know, I know… ruffles and chains… two things I already established I don’t like BUT the print is fucking gorgeous and the details are understated. I love the color. The ruffles aren’t overwhelming and the chains are questionable. All-in-all this would look ridiculous (in a good way) on the right betch. See it here>>

Bikini, L Space: I am very hesitant with fringe and most likely would not wear it but I’ve seen it on other betches and to my dismay, it looks pretty fucking cute. I love how the bottom has color/print and the top is plain with the fringe- it really finishes off the look. I also recommend this for the apple topped betch because if you’ve got grapefruits, you will only look bigger (not better) and bites will be even more mini. This suit is great for the vertically challenged betch because the top elongates the torso. If you’re the girl that has been slaving at the gym and needs some attention, this is a great suit for you. See it here>>

Bikini, Vitamin A: Another great triangle top bikini with a gorgeous print. If you’re in need of a new one ::cough July 4th cough:: this is an excellent choice. See it here>>


Life isn’t so bad with a pair of grapefruits so stop your whining. You’ve got the rack every guy wants to motorboat without the expense of a Park Avenue plastic surgeon. One problem with these is of course, how the fuck does one keep those girls looking perky and ready for action? Well fear not. Some extra fabric and underwire and you'll be ready to go.

Bikini, Vix: I know we’ve all seen it before but this top is great for some grapefruits. This style top has a lot more fabric than most triangle tops and the thicker straps give better support. The print of this suit is really gorgeous and only looks better with time and a tan. See it here>>

Bikini, Becca: What better way to celebrate July 4th than to sport a suit that supports a charity benefiting wounded American soldiers and your grapefruits at the same time? The style of this suit exudes class with a hint of sex appeal. The navy/white combo is simple and slimming. Need I say more? See it here>>

The Monokini

There’s no rule for boobs on the monokini- either it works or it doesn’t… absolutely depends on the fit and style of the suit. Be VERY careful with this style because you could go from trendy to trashy in a hot second. This kind of suit should only be worn in a solid and 95% of the time that color (shade) should be black. Here are a few options on the monokini… wear them if you dare.

See it here>>                                  See it here>>

And if you’re looking at anything that resembles the one on the right, you're a pathetic excuse for a betch, or like, an alien.

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