The night we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived: the premiere of Riverdale season two. A lot happened on the first season, and because I don’t have the time, energy, or memory span to recap it all, I’ll kindly direct you to our list of the most insane moments from season one. We’ve also covered why Archie is the worst, but what about the best character on Riverdale? That’s easy. It’s Cheryl. She’s the hottest and the meanest, therefore she’s the best. I also would like to take this moment to shout-out Val, who is gorgeous and takes no shit from fuckboy Archie, which is a level of fortitude no other naïve bitch on this show can claim to possess. But this isn’t about Val this time; we’re here to talk about Cheryl. (Don’t worry, I will direct my thirst at Val some other time.) Cheryl Blossom is an icon. Her red hair and red lips are a statement, but she makes an even bigger statement with her… statements. Am I high? No. I’m talking about Cheryl Blossom’s comebacks. They are truly unparalleled. In a town where Archie Andrews is considered a musical prodigy and nobody thinks it’s weird as fuck to call a grown-ass man “F.P.”, Cheryl is the only one who keeps things somewhat real. In preparation of Riverdale season two, let’s take a look back at Cheryl Blossom’s most iconic comebacks thus far.
1. When She Chose Her Words Very Carefully
I’ve got to admire Cheryl for her conciseness here—as a writer, that’s something I always strive for in my work. She got rid of these two nobodies in as many words. Aspirational. Cheryl is the only person who could say “shoo” and not sound like a complete clown.
2. When She Asked This Very Direct Question
^AKA me making weekend plans in the group chat. Once again, I admire how straight to the point Cheryl was with this question. No frills. No mystery. Just some mutually beneficial destruction.
3. When She Got Very Dark
Yeesh, why does this sound like a sound bite from my Friday night rendezvous? You’re in high school, Cheryl! Put down 50 Shades of Grey.
4. When She Was A Psycho Just For The Fun Of It
Again, this is literally my internal monologue right before I download Bumble during Sunday brunch after a weekend of staying in and not getting attention from guys at bars.
5. When She Was Vengeful AF
This is pretty much me anytime my friend dares tag somebody else in a meme. Or when my FWB takes longer than 30 milliseconds to respond to a text. Or when the MTA delays my morning commute (which is basically every day). You get the idea. I don’t know what a reckoning is exactly, but it sounds very powerful and scary and I’m going to start using this expression anytime somebody wrongs me in the slightest.
6. When She Burned Down Her Parents’ House And Gave Zero Fucks
Cheryl’s mom is me and I am Cheryl and the metaphorical house is my dating life and overall general psychological well-being when I decide to breadcrumb my way back into the lives of fuckboys from New Jersey (NOT EVEN HOBOKEN) because I’m in my feelings and my dad is harassing me about why I’m not dating anyone. Too specific? K. Let’s discuss how Cheryl doesn’t even own this house. Does this bitch have equity? Does she contribute to the mortgage in any way? I’d bet my meager life savings that she absolutely does not, which makes this the ultimate power move. Short-sighted, yes, but very alpha.
We don’t deserve Cheryl Blossom.