In case you’ve been too busy making Royal Baby/Riverdale memes, I’m here to remind you that Mother’s Day is this Sunday, May 12th. I hope you’ve all purchased flowers for your Mom, or have at least given your brother very specific instructions on what to do, which is how I roll. Fingers crossed you don’t f*ck it up this year, Phil.
And we aren’t the only ones celebrating Mother’s Day, because celebrities have to do it too. Sure, they’re buying their mom a Maserati instead of 2-for-1 Yankee Candles, but the sentiment is the same. Some celebs are even moms themselves, which of course got us thinking about which celebrities we would want to adopt us. Not that I need to be to be adopted because my mom is obviously the best (Hi Mom! Love you! I know you’re reading this!), but every once in a while when she mentions my “freakish upper body strength” a girl might dare to dream. So let’s take a look at all the celebrity moms we wish would take us in!
Don’t even fight me on this one, you all know you want to be adopted by Chrissy Teigen. In this age of viral moments she’s the most viral of them all. She’s so viral in fact, Comments By Celebs has weekly dedicated roundups to the best sh*t she says. She also trolls her husband, but not in a way that’s like “I clearly emotionally abuse you at home,” but in a way that’s like “I love you awesome nerd, let’s bang.” She also is getting her own cooking show, so you know you’re eatin’ good at home. Plus, she’s a gorgeous supermodel and if you’re lucky enough, maybe you’ll even look like her. Where do I sign up?
I really, really, really hate this family. Yes, I know I write about them all the time, but a girl’s gotta buy a substantial amount of wine pay the bills, you know? And tbh it would be amazing to be a child of Kris Jenner. She was obviously the architect of this family’s rise to fame, and she climbed her way up from flight attendant to media mogul. If I must respect any of them, I begrudgingly choose her. So you know what? Adopt me, Kris. Help me make a billion dollars, I guess. FINE.
Reese is the A-list of the A-list. She is the Dom Perignon in a room full of Veuve Clicquot. She’s an actress, producer, and badass bitch, all while being one of the realest celebrity moms. Plus, as much as she appears to be the perfect southern belle, we all know she’s got a naughty side. You’re not gonna have a bad time with Reese, and every mom needs a drinking partner. I volunteer as tribute!
Not only is Reese a movie star, but now that she has her book club, you can count on her to turn any book you love into a movie. I’m still waiting on I’ll Give You the Sun, Reese, when you adopt me can we collab?
And finally, the woman is ageless, and has clearly found a way to stop time, a feat that not even Kris Jenner has managed to master even through her many deals with the devil.
Reese laughs in the face of time.
Serena Williams is the greatest of all time, and if she adopted you, Venus Williams would be your aunt. Perhaps you’ve heard of her as well? Aside from being able to serve the ball 120MPH and fighting for women’s rights, Serena is friends with THE Beyoncé and THE Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, so YOU would be able to live a life of luxury and extravagance. Count. Me. In.
Plus, you get to go to the biggest tennis matches in the world and sit in the best seats! As a mediocre high school tennis player, this is my dream life. Hi Olympia, I’m here to steal your life.
And finally, Gabrielle Union just became a mother and is already trolling her child *slow claps*. It makes sense though, because when you’ve got a baby with the best stink eye in the game, it would be foolish not to exploit capitalize on it. Plus, I already make the same faces as Kaavia all day every day at work, so Gabs would have plenty of material to create a #shadylady IG out of me.
And those are the celebrity moms I wish would adopt me! I’m not saying this is my official application, but if the government wanted to take it that way I wouldn’t be opposed. I hope you all have a fabulous Mother’s Day!
Images: Shutterstock; chrissyteigen, krisjenner, reesewitherspoon, alexisohanian, kaaviajames / Instagram