Celebrities love to talk. They shove their personal brands in our faces and we eat it all up. I am the first to admit I bought a pair of Diff Eyewear sunglasses after seeing them on literally every Bachelor contestant on planet Earth. Eventually, I lost them and went back to my regular Ray Bans that my mom says don’t actually make my face look too small. Thanks, Mom! Aside from trying to sell us shit for a personal profit, celebrities also love to give advice. Put toothpaste on a pimple. Use a silk pillowcase to prevent wrinkles. Slather your hair in coconut oil for extra shine. These are all beauty hacks I’ve heard from celebrities over the years, because it’s like they learn how to contour one time and all of a sudden they’re professionals, ya know? In general, this advice is pretty harmless. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? I use toothpaste on a pimple and all of a sudden my chin smells minty fresh? Hmm, maybe I will try that actually.
But, I recently read a “beauty hack” from Ashley Graham suggesting we all spray Windex on ourselves, and now I’m 100% convinced that celebrities are trying to kill us. We’ll take a closer look at this death hack beauty tip in a minute, but it got me thinking, why do we listen to the advice of people with tiny little brains? The answer is, we shouldn’t. So now we’re going to take a look at some terrible celebrity beauty hacks that don’t work. If you’ve already tried any of these, please report back if you’re dead or not. Thx.
Ashley Graham’s Windex Trick
Last week, Ashley posted an Insta story demonstrating how she uses Windex to get rid of tanning streaks. I have a lot of questions. And a lot of rage. WHAT would possess someone to pick up a cleaning product and think to themselves, “I want this all over my body”? That’s the devil right there. I mean, the product is called WINDEX because it is for your WINDOWS. If it was meant for your body, it would be called Bodyex, for god’s sake. I guess the makers of Windex thought the bright blue color would be enough to deter people from spraying the product on their bodies, but apparently they underestimated the fortitude of one very famous plus-sized model.
Naturally, Page Six interviewed a dermatologist to tell us we shouldn’t do this. She says it’s bad for the skin, and shockingly, is made out of a ton of chemicals. YA DON’T SAY? You mean that shade of blue is not natural and organic? I am shook. I didn’t need a doctor to tell me this advice was crap, but since she did, I’m gonna trust the person who spent years in med school over the one that wears leather corsets in photoshoots.
Kim Kardashian Appetite Suppressant Lollipops
Kim Kardashian has done many questionable things over the years. Like all the nudes she posts on Instagram, or naming her child after one half of a compass, or marrying that giant with the same name as her mom for 72 days. Oh, and the sex tape. You get the idea. A few weeks ago, the internet was up in arms because Kim posted a picture where she endorsed appetite suppressant lollipops.
These confuse my brain. I’m supposed to eat a lollipop to tell my body not to eat? And have the Kardashians never heard of diet and exercise? Like, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that will work for weight loss if you try hard enough. Oh wait, diet and exercise won’t pay her to endorse them? Okay cool, this all makes sense now. I guess she has to promote disordered eating if she wants to make money, guys! North isn’t going to buy herself $750 Alexander Wang bags.
So apparently a “Toblerone Tunnel” is not a euphemism for bowel trouble, but is basically another version of a thigh gap we should all be aspiring to—only this time in the shape of everyone’s favorite airport candy bar. How ironic.
Apparently celebrities like Emily Ratajkowski and Kendall Jenner are promoting this body trend by showing off their Toblerone tunnels on Instagram. Don’t worry, when I read that sentence back I wanted to smack me, too. I worry that not only will people start starving themselves, but that they will also misunderstand this craze and start shoving candy bars up their lady parts. Which brings us to…
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Jade Egg
I know this one isn’t too recent, but I thought I had to put this out there as a PSA: ladies, don’t stick jade eggs up your vaginas. Gwyneth Paltrow actually tries to get us to do a lot of weird things to our vagina that doctors do not recommend. For instance, you do not need to steam your vagina like it’s an order of dumplings you’re going to eat for dinner. Basically, Gwyneth Paltrow is the nastiest skank bitch I’ve ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut!
The moral of the story here, really, is that you should all ignore celebrity beauty hacks and advice, and only trust qualified professionals—or, of course, me.
Images: giphy (1); kimkardashian/instagram; emrata/instagram