This year has been one hell of a year for celebrity relationships. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, and I’ve wanted to call my ex boyfriend and give our toxic relationship another shot (thank you for that one, Selena Gomez). And even though there have been some massive celeb breakups this year—I’m still justifying to HR the three days I took off of work to mourn Anna Faris and Chris Pratt’s relationship because I JUST NEEDED SOME ME TIME, OKAY—there still weren’t enough breakups, in my opinion. So, because I am way too personally invested in the lives of complete strangers, here are all the celebrities we wish would break up in 2018.
1. Scott Disick & Sofia Richie
As if you didn’t see this one coming a mile away. We’ve already established that while Scott Disick is thoroughly enjoying his
premature mid-life crisis relationship with his new girlfriend, Sofia Richie, she looks fucking miserable to be with him. There’s a lot of reasons we want these two to break up. For one, she’s a literal child and is closer in age to Scott’s son than Scott, her actual boyfriend. For another, I think her presence is the reason why he thinks he can get away with wearing a shirt that’s unbuttoned to his naval. It’s truly alarming and must be stopped.
2. Vanessa Hudgens & Austin Butler
So this is more for me than anything else, but when is it not all about me, amiright? Anyway, as you may have noticed, 2017 was the year of our favorite celeb couples from our childhood reuniting. First with Liam and Miley and then with Selena and Justin—it’s like we’re in 2009 all over again, minus the chunky belts and side-swept bangs. And now it’s Vanessa Hudgens’s turn to step the fuck up and get back together with her ex Zac Efron. It’s really the least she could do for me. Look, I have nothing against Austin Butler. They seem genuinely happy together, and it’s not his fault that after his short-lived time as a teen heartthrob on Zoey 101, his only other acting gig was “kind of celeb at Coachella.” But if Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron get back together, then I’ll have the whole matching set of teen dream couples, and I really feel like I deserve that for the new year, ya know?
These two have been making me feel like an active participant in their relationship since the second they got together, and I fucking hate it. And I do mean the exact second, because Sarah Hyland doesn’t let one damn moment go by without recording it on her Instagram story. I have a lot of problems with this relationship. For one, watching her Instagram story is more uncomfortable than reading my old MySpace posts. For two, Sarah clearly needs a lesson in celebrity hierarchy, because girls with asses like hers should not be dating guys with faces like Wells. Hear me out now: She’s on a sitcom that is consistently rated as one of the best on TV, and he… took over for Jorge the bartender on Bachelor in Paradise. So, yeah, one thing is clearly not like the other here. Whatever. I guess she seems happy, but if I wanted to see genuine happiness on Instagram, I wouldn’t be following you. Break up or expect to have one less follower from your 5.5 million fan base.
4. Ariel Winter & Levi Meaden
Would this be a complete public shaming list without mentioning my girl, Ariel Winter? I think not. Ariel has been dating her boyfriend Levi Meaden for a little over a year. That is, if you call posting semi-pornographic photos of the two of them dry-humping in various spots all over LA dating. And if you’re wondering who Levi Meaden even is, then I can’t help you, because after a
deep stalking of his Instagram account brief Google search, all I got on him is that he is a Canadian actor whose biggest claim to fame is a role in a movie called Bigfoot Island. I’m sure he’s on the short list for an Oscar for that one. While the two of them do seem happy together—in fact, it was reported that he even asked her dad for permission to marry her just yesterday—I’m skeptical AF. First of all, there’s the age difference. He’s 11 years older than her, and the physical embodiment of her unresolved daddy issues. Tbh, for as much shit as I give Ariel, I just think she can do better than some old dude who probably used his own personal experience as research for his starring role in the Lifetime original movie Revenge Porn. Just saying.
5. Arie & His Blonde
Okay, so I know *technically* the next season of The Bachelor hasn’t even aired yet, and we don’t actually have any definitive proof of who Arie is going to pick, but, like, we do know that his type is
underage sorority girls hot blondes, so he’s 100 fucking percent going to choose a blonde. Honestly, it doesn’t even matter who he chooses because as soon as they get engaged, I will actively be rooting for their demise. I may have wanted good things for Arie at one point in time, but that time was before I could legally drink and when I was still choosing boyfriends off of which frat they were in. So, yeah, that time is long gone. GOOD LUCK, ARIE.
6. Beyoncé & Jay-Z
Is this sacrilege to bring up? Will I be smote down by
a horde of screaming women aggressively singing “Crazy in Love” the powers that be for even suggesting this? Eh, whatever. I can’t bring myself to care. Obviously, we all know that Beyoncé is a fucking goddess, and she’s had the year of her life, if her Instagram is any indication. That said, we also all know that Jay-Z cheated on her with Becky With The Good Hair. Okay, I’m gonna say that one more time for the people in the back: THE MAN CHEATED ON BEYONCE. If Beyoncé—a woman who I’m convinced can procreate with nothing but sheer force of will and the power of the sun—is having issues with her man, then there’s no fucking hope for the rest of us. No, Beyoncé needs to dump his ass, because she doesn’t need that shit and neither do I. We’re both strong, independent women who don’t need no man because we have our own millions to support ourselves. Well, at least those first two were true.