Cardi B And Offset Broke Up, So I’m Calling Out Sick To Work

You guys, love is dead. And no, I’m not just saying that because I’m hangry—looking at you, Ariana Grande. I’m saying that because Cardi B and Offset have broken up, according to a new video on Cardi’s Instagram. First of all, I think I speak for all of us when I say, I am completely shocked. So saying your man’s name 56 times per song isn’t a sign you’re happily in love? Jesus, what else in my life has been a lie??

In all seriousness, I am pretty sad about this breakup, and not just because I’m writing about it at 3:30am because I couldn’t fall asleep and logged onto Facebook. (But for real, drop your insomnia cures in the comments.) Cardi B and Offset were one couple that I expected to last… okay, well, maybe not forever, but a hell of a lot longer than they did. They had a baby together in July, and had been married for a year before that. In the world of celebrity marriages, that’s not the shortest one, but still, it’s not great. Again, only a year? I’ve had peanut butter in my pantry longer than that marriage, and that bums me out.

The announcement that Cardi B and Offset are no longer together came from a video on Cardi’s Instagram. She says, “So everybody been bugging me and everything. And you know, I been trying to work things out with my baby father for a hot minute now. We’re really good friends and you know we’re really good business partners. He’s always somebody that  I run to, to talk to and we got a lot of love for each other but things just haven’t been working out between us for a long time. It’s nobody’s fault it’s just like I guess we grew out of love. But we’re not together any more. It might take time to get a divorce. I’m always going to have a lot of love for him because he is my daughter’s father.”


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There you go..peace and love

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First off, did Cardi B record her breakup announcement video while topless? F*ckin’ respect.

Sure, I thought Cardi B and Offset rushed into engagement and having a child (what celebrity couple hasn’t done either of those things in 2018), but I still really liked them as a couple. I have to wonder if Offset’s cheating played a role in their breakup. I obviously can’t say for sure, but that’s my personal theory. (My other personal theory is that Offset was jealous of Cardi’s success—again, just another disproven theory here.)

Some Instagram commenters think this breakup announcement is a prank, but I feel like that may just be the denial talking. Offset even commented on the post, saying “Y’all won”. Who is y’all? The haters? The other women he’s been messing around with? The cynics like me who say love does not really exist and is just a series of chemical reactions in the brain, so basing major life decisions on it is seriously misguided?? We may never know.

Anyway, very sad news for Cardi B and Offset, and I’m praying this is just a prank. This is coming from the girl who is still upset about Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey’s divorce, so safe to say, I will be upset about this breakup for a long time. But if it’s not a prank, at least they both have enough of a combined net worth to get Kulture the best therapy money can buy. And just think of all the bangers that will come out of this breakup. All your love and support is appreciated, and I’m sure Cardi, Offset, Kulture, and I will get through this in time.

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