Cape Town: Betches Love This City

If you’ve already checked off the Euro trip, the Asia trip, and even been to see the kangaroos down under, your next adventure should be to South Africa.

Cape Town is obviously the betchiest city in the country and should be your first stop. It’s a place where you can probably solve the mystery of how someone can be from Africa and be white.

The trick to visiting Cape Town is to not actually spend that much time in Cape Town itself. The best stuff to do is outside of the city, but you can use it as a base for a few days and then go to wine country or Plettenberg Bay for the beach (or both).

When you get there, the first thing you need to do is rent a car. Everyone drives in this city and finding taxis all the time is a pain in the ass. You’re also going to want to go on a few drives outside of the city to scenic areas and shit. Reserve one ahead and pick it up at the airport. Get full insurance if you’re American or European because this is probably your first time driving on the wrong side of the road and you will fuck up your car in some way.

Stay either by Victoria and Albert waterfront or in a guesthouse in the Tamboerskloof neighborhood. The waterfront has all the big hotel chains and there are really pretty houses to choose from in the neighborhood as well.

During the day:

Table Mountain

If you wake up one morning and notice that it is a really clear day, you have no choice but to do Table Mountain immediately. There are usually a few clouds hanging around it which can block the views. If you’re lucky and get a perfect day, you have to go. Climb up if you’re outdoorsy (burn calories and get super tan) or take the cable car up if you’re lazy and/or hungover.

Go wine tasting

This is seriously the best excuse to day drink. Uneducated wannabe wine snobs often claim that New World wines aren’t as good as classic French or Italians, but that’s just because they haven’t been to South Africa. The closest vineyards are like 20 minutes outside of the city. Check out the Constantia wine estates like Groot Constantia, Buitenverwachting, or Klein Constantia. If you’re up for a bit more of a mission, head to Stellenbosch or Franschhoek. You usually pay to taste five different wines and they bring you snacks and stuff as well.

Drive down to Chapman’s Peak and Cape Point

These drives are along the ocean through really pretty cliffs. There is also a place to stop and see penguins if you’re into shit like that. You’ll probably also get some wild baboons jumping on your car. Do not fucking feed them, they will attack you and are strong as shit.


There are a bunch of high-end malls in Cape Town by Cavendish Square and Canal Walk. Also check out Green Market Square. If you’re looking for African carved shit like masks and statues to bring back home, there are a bunch of places by the waterfront selling that kind of stuff. They are definitely ripping you off, but like, whatever.

Cage diving with great white sharks and bungee jumping off Bloukrans bridge

For the BSCB and anyone else she manages to drag along. Do it for the story

At night:


Have dinner at Test Kitchen or Millers Thumb in Cape Town. If you’re out wine tasting, check out La Colombe at Constantia Uitsig or Rust en Vrede by Stellenbosch.

Bars and clubs

There’s a decent nightlife in Cape Town. Victoria Road by Camps Bay is lined with bars with outdoor patios for after-dinner drinks.  The best clubs are Jade, St Yves, and Cafe Caprice. Avoid Long Street which is just gross and check out Green Point if you’re traveling with your gay BFF.

Lion’s Head

It’s another mountain peak. Go up and watch the sunset with a bottle of wine. But haha, good luck getting back down when you’re semi-tipsy.

The best time to visit Cape Town is between November and March when it’s their summer. Suggest it for your next family Christmas vacation, although beware that they will probably make you do educational shit like go see Nelson Mandela’s prison cell. If you are hungover, you will definitely get seasick AF on the boat ride over to Robben Island.

Cape Town is definitely worth a visit and gives you so much cred as a betchy world traveller, while being no more difficult to navigate than California. Also, the accents are just orgasmic.


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