Can We Catch A F*cking Break: Weekend Horoscopes Jan. 15-17

Everyone still cool? Here we are in 2021, also known as the sh*tty alternate ending to 2020, the one where no one is happy. Considering that every day seems to give us a new story about potential coups or the end of humanity thanks to a pandemic we should have gotten under control a year ago, maybe the planets can, like, throw us a f*cking bone.

In a way, they are, since everyone is going to feel the push to be extra nice this weekend. Shall we?


The stars are pushing your feelings buttons this weekend, Capricorn. Basically, you’re going to feel the urge to be extra nice to everyone, so, take that as you will. Call your mom and let her rattle off the latest gossip. Do your elderly neighbor’s grocery shopping for them. Or take your bestie out for a drink since she’s been having kind of a rough time. Obviously, don’t forget to be kind to yourself, too. Treat yourself to a delicious takeout meal and binge watch something trashy.


Hooray for finances, Aquarius. With tax season fast approaching (yikes), use the weekend to get a feel for where you can save and where you can splurge. You’ll also feel the pull to help others this weekend, so instead of just throwing money at the problem, opt to volunteer your time. There are plenty of animal shelters where dogs need walking and cuddling; homeless shelters that need blankets and supplies; and food pantries that could use donations.


Treat yourself, Pisces. Plan for a long weekend of doing nothing but pampering. It’s up to you whether you’d like to include anyone in your weekend of r&r, or if you’re more into the eating-pizza-alone-in-sweats vibe (respect). The most important thing to note, though, is that it isn’t selfish to make sure your overall well-being is looked after.


Omg, you’re in the mood to be so NICE this weekend, Aries. Call it the #vibe of 2021, or call it exhaustion from 2020, but you’ll feel ready to extend kindness and love to everyone you see and talk to as soon as work is over on Friday. Buy brunch to be delivered to a friend as a surprise, or offer to walk your mom’s dog so she can enjoy a weekend drive with dad.


Enjoy yourself this weekend, Taurus. You’ll feel the pull to get creative while also being a bit of a homebody, so we suggest taking on an easy house project like cleaning out your closet or getting rid of the vast amount of knickknacks and college-era posters that serve no purpose in a grown-up house. The stars will also be bugging you about your career (or lack thereof), so set some time aside Sunday to either update your resume, create a portfolio, or add a professional-looking picture to your LinkedIn.


Time to focus on where you want to be in 10 years: work edition. If the answer is, “not f*cking here” then it could be a good opportunity to turn on those job alerts for Indeed or change your LinkedIn settings to tell recruiters you’re looking. After you shift your mind away from professional matters on Saturday, you’ll also be caught up in the desire to show some kindness. Bake a cake for your S.O., take your dog on a hike, or volunteer time at a women’s shelter. It’ll at least take your mind off the doomscrolling you’ve been doing for the last two weeks.


GTFO of the house and turn off your phone, Cancer. Constantly watching C-SPAN for updates or scrolling through your conservative uncle’s Facebook page is doing zero for your mental health. Getting outside and going for a ride to a neighboring town, or just enjoying some time outdoors, will help you feel refreshed and somewhat relaxed, though. You’ll also feel the need to take extra care of your S.O. this weekend, so be sure to set aside some time for a date night—or, at the very least, a romantic evening of Netflix and chill.


It’s a balancing game this weekend, Leo. You’ll feel the need to take care of yourself on Friday, whether that’s through a long walk, calling out of work, and/or binge watching Bridgerton. But come Saturday, your focus will shift to wanting to take care of everyone else. There’s no reason you can’t do both. Head out for a socially distanced beer and some relaxation time with a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Or, snuggle up with your S.O. while you both read trashy novels.


Concentrate on your relationship this weekend, Virgo. If you feel like the cuddling, sex, and communication have been slacking lately, it’s time to stop blaming the pandemic/President/state of the world and take matters into your own hands. Be open about your wants and needs in your relationship over a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck, or just talk about your feelings while you’re banging it out.


Tackle every f*cking project you can get your hands on this weekend, Libra. The stars are pushing you to organize and get your sh*t together for the new year, so clean your closet, toss out mismatched silverware, and take down those Backstreet Boys posters (wtf are you still doing with those, anyway?). After the purge, head into the kitchen and tackle a recipe you haven’t tried before. Remember: if you fail, there’s always takeout and pretending you made it.


Time for some alone time, Scorpio. The planets are making things super f*cking intense in the feelings department on Friday, so it’s best to just avoid anyone and anything that’ll send you into a tailspin. Put your phone down and go for a jog or just watch something 100% unrelated to real life. Thankfully, by Saturday night you’ll be ready for human interaction again, and you’ll want to shower your S.O. with some much needed attention. They’ll appreciate it.


Enjoy the people who bring you the most joy this weekend, Sagittarius. Whether you decide on a Zoom girls’ night or an outdoor brewery adventure with coworkers, you’ll want to be around people that don’t piss you off for the next few days. After you get your fill of social sh*t, retreat indoors Sunday afternoon and spend some time in a tub with a bottle of wine and re-reading Bachelor recaps. Hey, it’s better than the current state of things.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson