Buying Things Is Self-Care: Weekly Horoscopes April 19-23

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Excellent news, everyone: it is officially Taurus season. This is a time of sitting back, maxing, relaxing all cool, and maybe even shooting some b-ball outside of the school. If you feel like it. No pressure, though. Self-care. Taurus season is all about enjoying the finer things in life and getting grounded for what lies ahead. Basically, if “treat yo’self” was a month, it’d be Taurus season. Let’s just hope your credit card can handle all the swiping.


This Taurus season is all about establishing your sense of security, Aries. While all the other signs are proceeding to checkout with reckless abandon, now is a great time to come down from your season and build your nest egg. Watching your savings account grow can be just as satisfying as a new Sephora purchase. Okay maybe not, but still…


Welcome to your birthday month, Taurus! I know we don’t need to tell you to live it up. This month, the rest of the world finally gets on your luxe level. Your season is supercharging all of your most important relationships, and you can’t help but spoil your crew with glam group dinners, weekend getaways, and the best new organic wine from Napa that they just have to try, dahlings. No wonder you’re everyone’s favorite.


This Taurus season, your airy sign is getting some much-needed grounding. Thinking before you speak is not usually your strong suit (no offense), but with Taurus’ earthy bull energy pulling you back down to Earth, you might find yourself a little more contemplative—and quieter—than usual. Just be sure to give your friends a heads up that you’ll be going into serial killer mode for a month so they don’t get concerned.


Beware of friend drama this Taurus season, as the bull’s influence pushes you to stand your ground, sometimes to your own detriment. Taurus’ telltale stubbornness jumps out in some of your interpersonal relationships this month, but don’t worry. The New Moon on May 13th should resolve any lingering drama. If not, that’s just one less friend you have to worry about…


Taurus season has you going from “look at me” to “look around me,” and I mean that in the best way possible. Put your people skills to good use this month by actually connecting with your community. Set aside some time to volunteer at your local farmer’s market, make calls for a candidate for local office, or just spend a little extra time getting to know the people around you. Strangers today can be Instagram followers tomorrow!


This month, hardworking Taurus puts you in the best possible headspace to reassess your career goals and make a levelheaded decision. Chances are things have changed for you in the past year (understatement of the century), but have your goals shifted as well? It’s never too late to quit your job and become a reality TV star. Someone’s gonna have to be the new Kardashians.


Bust out the (sustainably sourced) palo santo, Libra! This month, you’re using Taurus’ grounding influence to finally develop that meditation practice you keep saying you’ll start. Just a couple minutes a day can make a huge difference, and luckily Taurus is the sign of hard work and perseverance. Because sitting silently in a chair for a few minutes a day actually does count as “hard work and perseverance” in the year 2021. No judgment.


How deep is your love, Scorpio? Sensual Taurus is pushing you to go deeper with a romantic partner this month, and you can take that sentence as sexually as you want. Now is the time to test if your relationship can go the distance. And by “go the distance” we do of course mean “handle a three-day 50 Shades-style sex marathon.”


Love is in the air, Sagittarius! Now is the perfect time to let go of the baggage of the past and dive headfirst into a new relationship. Goodbye, Whats-His-Name! Farewell, Do-Not-Call! We are not bringing our pre-pandemic Ls into our post-pandemic lifestyle. It’s just not happening. Begone, demon!


You’re craving the crew more than ever this Taurus season, so why not do what you do best and meticulously plan an iconic group outing for you and the girlies? It can be as elaborate or as chill as you want; all you really need are the besties and a couple bottles of that wine that doesn’t make you hungover. And La Croix for the pregnant friend who has to drive your asses home later. (Sorry, Ashley.)


This month, let your inner artiste run free, as Taurus season helps you connect even more with your creative side. This is not the month for judging yourself or holding back. Let your creative juices run free. Take up the ukulele. Throw paint at the walls. Basically become Mia’s mom in The Princess Diaries.


Fire up the DIY Pinterest boards and get ready to develop an un-ironic crush on the Property Brothers. This month is all about nesting for you, Pisces, and it goes way beyond spring cleaning. Take some time to fully reimagine your space. If Chip and Joanna Gaines have taught us anything, it’s that a little paint (and a budget of $100k) can go a long way.

Images: Artyom Kim / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.