I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 32-year-old single comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I live Tweet every episode @jtrain56. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
This is my annual preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for almost four years. When I first started, Snapchat was just an app to see boobs, and Instagram couldn’t help a person pay rent. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where they were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information and that was my preview. Well, almost like ABC was trying to feed a hate-beast (fun nickname for Jewish aunts), they started doing interviews. So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little information (but a lot more than before). It’s like being with me while I navigate a dating app, except you don’t have to stand next to me while I poop. Please enjoy and follow me on Twitter (@jtrain56) or Instagram (@jaredfreid), where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.
Arie Luyendyk Jr.
There were two reactions to Arie being chosen: “Who?!” and “What about Peter!?!?!” I had a similar reaction. Peter seemed like the obvious choice. He would have been like a “To be continued…” from last season with Rachel. Here’s the problem: last season sucked. Rachel’s season was boring and she chose a loud kissing chiropractor. Also, reality TV needs a little reality. Peter’s DMs are so full that he actually opted to live in Wisconsin. That’s right! He’s getting so much ass and so much business as a trainer that he’s commuting to New York and LA from Wisconsin. You take a subway to work and maybe get drinks with the one guy who will DM you while Peter flies first class and chooses a blowjob from whichever DMer is the most Asian. Oh ya, it’s rumored he has…. umm…a “preference.” Peter’s season would have either looked like orientation at Stanford or you would have known the girl winning just by hearing the last names.
Is there a bright side with Arie? Well, he’s older. At his age he must be looking to settle down. He has money, so pulling the whole Nick move of shoehorning this into an acting career seems off. But then you find out he’s selling real estate and all the sudden Arie sounds a lot like a chiropractor. Let’s hope he’s a quieter kisser.
Ali is a 27-year-old stylist in Oklahoma. Stylist is one of those jobs that could easily be a lie. Are you dressing personalities up for the local Oklahoma news? Or do you spend 15 minutes on the phone with a first-year accountant who just signed up for trunk club?
My favorite interview question is the following:
What does being married mean to you? Commitment and being your whole, true, imperfect self with someone. You both accept each other—flaws and all!
Anytime you hear someone repeat a single thing in an interview question, there’s way more about that thing. Ali centers her whole answer on flaws and imperfections. She either has or once had an STD, and she definitely doesn’t get along with her sister. This means she will go VERY far in this competition.
Amber is a 29-year-old “business owner” from Denver, Colorado. Denver, Colorado is quickly moving up the charts of “Most Annoying Social Media Place A Post-Grad Can Live.” New York is number one on that list, thanks to the romance women attach to a place where men are openly masturbating on the subways. LA is number two (we’ve been on a hike before and you didn’t dress like a kid playing pickup basketball in the 90s a month ago). But Denver might be third. It’s a secondary city that people constantly try to push as a city someone spent their life dreaming about. But the harder they push, the more we think you had a mental breakdown when you couldn’t find a boyfriend in Atlanta and now we all have to pay with a forced hashtag under the picture of a mountain. I think Amber is one of these awfuls. Just look at this answer:
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Hold a HUGE python in Thailand. I hate snakes so this was crazy for me. I wanted to feel like Britney Spears at the VMAs, I did not.
No, Amber. That’s not outrageous. Going to Thailand on your parents’ dime and forcing a guy who works at a snake farm to place a drugged-out python in your hands isn’t outrageous. Being in your twenties, claiming you own a business, and then spending zero time promoting that business in an interview for a show you’re about to be on IS outrageous.
Annaliese is 32. Oh my. Coming on the Bachelor at 32 is like buying a lottery ticket at 65 because you forgot to contribute to the 401k.
This interview answer should explain everything:
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? Any Disney character that has a happily ever after with a prince.
Maybe she’ll still be single at 52 when Prince Harry gets a divorce.
I like Ashley. She’s 25, and she does real estate in West Palm Beach. That’s not exactly an easy place to do real estate. It’s high-end. It takes a certain type of go-getter woman. It’s basically the opposite of anyone who just told you about their food themed Instagram account.
Here’s a question that makes me like Ashley:
Would you consider yourself a lover of art? I would! But I’m not an expert.
That answer could have very easily devolved into utter chick bullshit about museums and loving art and her time “living in Florence” when she actually lived in the piazza that the university of Michigan and Wisconsin split. She gave the most honest answer to art I’ve actually ever seen a girl in her twenties give about art in my life. I’m cheering for Ashley.
Becca K will not be winning The Bachelor. Her interview might be the most boring that I’ve ever read. Consider these answers:
What are five things you can’t live without? Chapstick, facial lotion, bobby pins, popcorn, and stamps.
What is your biggest date fear? That we will run out of things to talk about and not mesh well together or having food stuck in my teeth.
Imagine for a second you’re on a date with someone and you’re like “what can’t you live without?!” And the other person says “Popcorn.” And you’re like “No really!!” And they’re like “bobby pins.” And you’re like “HaHAHA No come on!” And they’re like “Stamps.” And then you open your eyes and you realize you’ve been on a date with the self checkout machine at CVS.
Bekah M is already getting attention for her pixie cut. If you’re wondering why Hillary lost, think of this story being an actual story that someone wrote about for Yahoo! and 800 other women commented on.
I think Bekah is going to do well because she says she likes being the center of attention. Also, her haircut is different enough for Arie to be like “That hot chick with the short hair has to stay” during the first couple of weeks when he doesn’t know anyone’s names. Lastly, Bekah’s aspirations below are seemingly made for her to run away with a rich guy with a lot of Instagram followers who DMed her while she’s still on the show:
Where do you see yourself in five years? Teaching art or owning an art studio for children, hopefully married and planning to have babies!
I promise you see Bekah at a Manhattan Beach Starbucks with two kids and a huge ring in five years.
Bri is going to be the girl your boyfriend loves and you really hate. She’s the girl who wears a baseball cap and other girls describe her with the backhanded compliment of “Guys think she’s hot.” I know this because she’s a sports reporter who, in her interview, casually mentions that she won an Emmy and would be a great quarterback if she won football. There’s such a thing as being “too cool” with the opposite sex. Her interview came off that way. Oh, I also know you won’t like her because I had a boner the whole time I wrote this paragraph. You will not like her, I will love her.
Bibiana is an executive assistant living in Miami, and she couldn’t look more like an executive assistant from Miami. She looks like she’d be the mean executive assistant in a rom-com who goes by “Bib” and enunciates her consonants when she says a catty comment to the overworked copywriter we all want to win the guy. Like, look at this answer from her interview:
If you could be any animal, which one and why? A free orca. I’d love to live in the ocean and they move around, plus they keep their fam tight.
Who specifies that they’d be a “free orca?!” As if any of us are wishing we’d be Shamu howling for freedom. I can hear the copywriter saying “I’d be an orca” and then Bib interrupting her to say “I guess you don’t care about the caged Orca population at Sea World…” and then a bunch of idiots would be in the background looking disgusted.
I don’t think Arie is going to be able to handle Brittane J. Arie looks like the guy from high school who everyone thought was gay but ended up just being really into fashion. Brittane J looks like she only types sentences with the clapping emoji between each word. I see myself liking Brittane J and wondering if Arie knows too much about cuts of jeans.
I have a feeling Brittany T is going to be a fun contestant because she seems a little dramatic. Just look at this interview question:
Where do you meet guys? I don’t… jk. The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings.
Considering all the men being accused of sexual misconduct, I think these two guys who ghosted Brittany T are getting a raw deal.
Caroline is a 26-year-old realtor from Massachusetts, and here’s an answer no guy wants to date:
Do you have any pets? No dogs yet. I’m waiting for someone to co-parent a dog with! I do have a plant, his name is Phil.
Anyone who uses the word “parent” in reference to their pet is a pain to date. Honestly, when does it all end? Are you getting her a card for Mother’s Day? Will you have to act like a dog’s grounding is a serious thing? Will she be breastfeeding a dog? All of these scenarios are on the table when someone says they’re looking for a co-parent for a dog. Oh, and have fun saying goodnight to a plant named Phil.
Chelsea is a 29-year-old “real estate executive assistant” from “South Portland Maine.” Or as normal people would say it, she’s a “secretary from Portland, Maine.” I love The Bachelor because it’s a mirror on our own bullshit. Chelsea is every guy you saw over Thanksgiving from high school whose job took 10 minutes to explain because it was a shitty job.
Before anything, let’s all agree that Jacqueline spelled with a “cq” looks the most Jacqueline spelled with a “cq” we’ve ever seen. I feel like she took that picture before going on a date night with her husband she met in her Staten Island High school.
Now, let’s look at a shocking interview question:
What do you do for a living and how important is your career to you? I work for a psychiatry research lab. It’s important experience before getting a Ph.D. in chemical psychology. My career is very important to me.
Can we make a rule? If you’re a doctor and you ever go on a reality show to get a husband, it should be on the wall next to your Ph.D. One diploma and one picture of you and Chris Harrison. I just feel like I should have the right to know as a patient.
Jenna is a 28-year-old social media manager from Indiana. Now what the hell is that? I meet a social media manager in NYC or LA and I’m like, “ok I guess that could be a job.” But in Indiana? Is she tweeting for the local Arby’s? At least she’ll be ready once she receives her 200,000 person Instagram follower gift bag from the show. Ugh.
Jenny is 25 years old and from Chicago, and she answers one question with how she wants to hang out on Sundays eating pizza.
I’m really happy the whole “pizza as a personality” age is passing us by. Maybe Jenny is the last one. I hope she gets out of the limo holding a large pizza in a to go box and as she’s about to speak, Arie goes, “Shhh.” And then he turns to the camera and angrily says, “THIS WON’T CUT IT ANYMORE!!” And then she’s like, “It’s not like there’s pineapple HAHA.” Then Arie shakes his head and sends her home right there and a million girls change their Instagram captions.
Jessica is going to win. I’ll call it right now. She’s gorgeous. She’s a TV host, so she knows what producers want to stay on the show. She builds homes for the homeless. And she’s Canadian. I don’t know what it is, but Canadian women are usually pretty cool about sex. They’re just better at keeping it casual and not making a guy feel like it’s a contract for future marriage, which makes a guy want them more. I mean, look at this answer she gave:
What is your favorite all-time book and why? Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. She is a role model and I love to live life with a “YES” perspective!
Oh do you, Jessica?!! Excuse me, I have to go say yes to Jessica on Instagram.
Let’s try something new for Kendall. I don’t see her winning. But I want to show you what goes through a guy’s head while reading these interviews. This isn’t edited. It’s exactly what I thought after reading her answers to questions:
If you could be any animal, which one and why? Bat – flying mammal! My sister said my spirit animal was a bat because I see beauty in dark things.
Kendall has dated men that would make me cross the street if I saw them approaching.
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? I once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train. No lie.
Yup. Nailed it.
What are five things you can’t live without? Reading, family, love, curiosity and cheese.
Maybe it was that bible she was reading that made her drive a car off a ramp.
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? James Kirk from Star Trek because I’d love to explore crazy worlds.
Has. Done. Butt. Stuff.
What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? My ex gave me an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar! I collect taxidermy so it was sweet to me.
Wow. I really nailed that boyfriend/butt stuff prediction.
What does your ideal mate look like? Tall, easy smile, can survive a zombie apocalypse-type body.
I’m a genius who now hates his body.
Krystal is a 29-year-old fitness coach from Montana, and she gets a very difficult question in her interview. So difficult that she answers with a question:
Are you a country or a city person? Can you ever take the country out of the girl?
I don’t know, Krystal, can you? What if she gets to the final four on The Bachelor and has an Instagram following that grows to over 500k and she’s invited to the pool party at Tao and she gets a manager and an agent and a few bucks to toss around a promo code to sell some tea?! Are you still going to be yee-hawing around LA in two years while you’re auditioning to be “Girl Two” on a Lifetime movie? I guess we will find out.
We’ve hit the “Lauren” section of the lineup (there are four). And something that’s a major plot point of each of these interviews centers on a love for Disney princesses. I’ve seen a version of this answer five times already:
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? Elsa, because I’ve always wanted to be a Disney princess.
What a letdown for a group of women fetishizing the Disney princess motif. Their “Prince Charming” is a guy who sells real estate and probably has marketing with a bunch of formula one puns.
Lauren G’s answer to this question is why it’s fun to be a man:
Do you believe in “fairy tale” romance? I don’t necessarily believe in fairy tales, but I do believe in things being meant to be.
This is how girls respond when they ask why you follow someone on Instagram. “Who is big booty Becca?” She’ll ask. And you’ll be like, “High school friend. I’m just here to support. Is that a problem?” And she’ll be like, “Not at all but I’m just wondering who you want to be seen supporting.”
Dating in 2017 is fun!
Lauren J (our 3rd Lauren, for those of you counting at home)
Lauren J is a 33-year-old “recent masters graduate” (that’s her job title) which means Lauren absolutely HATES reality. I mean, look at this answer:
What are five things you can’t live without? Mama, my nephews, porch swings, mascara and love.
Porch swings? What Nicholas Sparks novel did you come from?
I’m even more sure because she’s 33 and just getting done with school and she can’t perform brain surgery. I know this type. She graduated college, realized the world wasn’t just studying and getting the grade you deserve, so she went back to school figuring she’d find a husband, and she stayed in school while blaming being single on being busy and the craziness of studying and then she looked around and realized she’s hot and 33 and she’s like “Fuck work, I’m getting an Instagram following!” And now here she is “looking for love.”
Our last Lauren is our most basic contestant. In her interview she claims she’d like to be an otter because they cuddle and then writes, “Goals.” She aspires to be in Taylor Swift’s “girl squad,” she calls herself a nerd, says she’d “die” if she went to Hamilton, and guess what? She LOVES avocado.
Do these people even hear themselves? It’s like she just read five memes in a row and called that her personality. 10 bucks says she’s shown saying the word “Iconic” eight times this season.
Yes, that’s her name. No, there isn’t mention of her cultural background and the derivation of Maquel in her interview. But don’t worry, she did write “mmm… Ryan Gosling” when asked about her ideal mate.
Maquel is a 23-year-old photographer who is literally unbelievable looking. I think being hot is how you become a photographer. You take a picture with a bunch of friends and your post gets way more “likes” than all the other girls who posted it. And you’re like “Wow, people love my photography!” Then you post a selfie and that gets tons of likes and you’re like “Wow, these guys must love the angles I’m choosing.” And then you’re on a family vacation and you have your Dad take a tasteful bathing suit picture while laying in the sand. And all of a sudden you’re around 10k followers and you’re like, “I guess I’m a photographer now!”
If Arie has a thing for Kim Kardashian, then Marikh is his girl. It’s funny that she writes “Restaurant Owner” and then later reveals her mom is a chef at the restaurant. As if “hotter Kim Kardashian” who’s going to be on The Bachelor started a middle eastern restaurant and threw her mom in the kitchen. Does she think we’re all that dumb? Does she think we all don’t know that her parents immigrated to Salt Lake City, saw the need for great middle eastern food, then put their blood, sweat, and tears into a now-successful restaurant?! At least give them the credit and write “Hostess at my parents’ restaurant” as your job title so we can all feel ok with our own nine-to-five jobs where we aren’t a hotter Kim Kardashian.
Nysha is a nurse. The nurses are always the most sane on the show, because it’s a job that would actually give you the time to do it and you could hypothetically move to Arie’s sad life in Arizona. I mostly like Nysha because of this interview answer:
What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done? Skydiving and applying to be on a reality TV show where millions of people will judge you—no pressure!
Isn’t it crazy that there’s all these girls answering all these questions and she’s the only one to have ANY humility about this whole thing?! Nysha is us. We are Nysha. I am Groot.
Olivia gives the following answer:
Who do you admire the most in the world and why? My mother. Having a child at a young age and continuing her education as a nurse is not an easy task. She made me into the woman I have become today.
Which means we are DEFINITELY getting a puff piece from Olivia’s hometown during the first episode. “Mom at a young age” and armed services always get the at-home treatment. And because of this, Olivia will last two weeks longer than we expect and the montage about her mom might be played at the next Women’s March.
Two answer show me why Seinne is going to be a really fun contestant:
What are five things you can’t live without? Yoga mat, passport, lip gloss, sunglasses and the ocean.
What’s your favorite holiday? New Year’s Eve—new beginnings and lots of champagne.
Those two questions could be easily answered to make someone look good. Seinne went the other way. They were like, “What makes you happy?! Friends and family? The porch you sit on with your grandma!? Thanksgiving?!” And Sienna was like, “Give me the lip gloss and champagne, bitch!”
Here’s one of Tia’s answers:
What is the best trip you have ever been on and why? Cancun to a random swingers resort. HA! It was actually fun.
Umm what?! What did you say, Tia? Tia, the girl who looks like a hotter JoJo (didn’t think that was possible), what did you just say?!?
This is what Tia should say to Arie right after getting out of the limo. Can you imagine? If I was Arie and Tia looked at me and was like “Ya I used to swing! It was fun! See you in the house!” The camera would cut to me holding a trapper keeper in front of my crotch.
Valerie is a 25-year-old waitress in Nashville who claims her biggest achievement is buying a house. Which begs the question—how much are you girls spending on these bachelorette parties in Nashville?!? Their waitresses are buying land and taking off a few months to get an Instagram following! Are you tipping them in diamonds?! Should I move to Nashville to become a valet?! Valerie might have just ruined my ability to feel better than everyone on the show.