Brad Pitt Is Texting Jennifer Aniston Again, Just Like Every Fuckboy Post-Breakup

This morning US Weekly reported that Brad Pitt is texting Jennifer Aniston again, because if there’s one thing that’s extremely predictable in this world, it’s how fuckboys recycle their exes. Pitt, who divorced Aniston in 2005 after being married for five years, conveniently wants to get in touch now that he’s going through another messy divorce with Angelina Jolie and battling for custody of their children he was accused of abusing back in September. How cute.

The details of this are literally exactly what you’d expect, but I guess we can go through them anyway. It all starts with Brad tracking down Jen’s number in order to *cringe* wish her a happy birthday on February 11th. This is by far the most pathetic and cliché excuse to get in contact with an ex, and I would’ve respected a 2:39am “U up?” text significantly more. I can’t even imagine what his thought process was while constructing this message: “Sorry we haven’t spoken in years because I cheated on you and married the other woman but I hope your 48th birthday is the best one yet! (Birthday cake emoji)”

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The source further revealed that, fucking duh, Brad wanted to do more than offer a disingenuous birthday wish and began confiding in Jen dumping all of his emotional garbage onto her. He apparently “told her he’s having a hard time with his split.” It’s funny because no one knew that divorces could be difficult and emotionally traumatizing, especially not Jen—OH WAIT.

So all of this is unfolding like clockwork and you get the gist of what’s happening here, including Jen’s justification for responding that she “just wants to be nice.” NO, JEN! *screams every woman in America* There are times to be nice (not that I’ve ever witnessed one but that’s what I’m told), and this is NOT one of them. Enabling fuckboys just makes them grow stronger and douchier, which is the exact opposite of what we want. The only thing Brad should be seeing in response to these extremely lame texts is “Read at 11:54am.” Stay strong, Jen! Someone out there has already started a KickStarter campaign to help you; I’m sure of it.

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