Dead Head Pro,
Fully understanding how shallow I am going to sound, I’ll dive right in.
I have never dated a fat guy, until 6 months ago. My boyfriend is not obese but he is undeniably fat. Although I think he has put on some weight, he was already overweight when we started dating.
I have a nice body, am very physically active, and desire to share that lifestyle with my boyfriend. I hoped that my example would motivate my boyfriend to get into shape. Although it has gotten him to talk about it, he still hasn’t taken any action. It doesn’t repulse me that he’s fat; what bothers me is that he talks about losing weight but hasn’t actually changed any of his habits.
We met after the holidays and he showed that he was conscious of his weight, saying that he had fallen off the wagon during the holidays and was trying to get back into a routine. Since then, we have gone on two beach vacations that he was “going to get in shape for” and if anything he has only gotten bigger.
As I mentioned, I have tried to influence him through my example, (talking about the foods I’m eating, always telling him when I’m at the gym) and when he makes comments about his weight, I don’t dismiss them with “you’re not fat!”, I try to discuss a game plan for getting him back on track. Over the past few months though, he has moved apartments and switched careers so he claims he hasn’t been able to get back into a routine because of the time and stress. I’m nervous that this will continue to happen because there is obviously never going to be a perfect time to change.
Obviously this is important to me but everything else in our relationship is sound and I’m happy, so I’m not looking to end things, just some advice to help get things done.
Well, you’re not happy, are you? You’re emailing me, obviously, but you also said “I hoped that my example would motivate my boyfriend to get into shape.” There’s an old relationship adage along the lines of “women marry men hoping they’ll change, men marry women hoping they never do.” It’s mostly true and, more importantly, neither objective is ever realized. Men who are unambitious losers rarely turn into millionaires, and women who start out as party girl nymphos who like to get drunk and give hummers in movie theaters rarely stay that way. C’est la vie.
So you’re unhappy that your stellar example hasn’t magically turned your glistening hog of a boyfriend into an adonis. No shit. Finding a diet that a) works for you and b) you can stick to that effects weight loss is really fucking hard. And given that your best bet is to support that diet with thoughtful exercise, you’re talking about an entire paradigm shift in his routine. Combine that with the fact that weight loss only gets harder the older we get, and he’s standing at the foot of the world’s tallest mountain, and all you’re doing to help him climb is eating kale and texting him from the elliptical.
That’s not a moral failing on your part, either. Short of preparing all of his food for him (which would be ridiculous), there’s not much you can do. The only real suggestion I have is to maybe find some kind of activity that you can do together— tennis, hiking, paddle boarding, whatever. If that happens, there may be some hope that laying bare his physical deficiencies will press him to get serious about health and fitness.
In the end, you’re on two sides of a divide. He, like probably 90% of the population, values weight loss and fitness but can’t find it in himself to prioritize it. You’re the opposite, in that you prioritize it in both yourself and him (despite going into this knowing exactly what you were getting). You have to get it through your skull that things are unlikely to change for the better, and ultimately decide what’s more important to you.
Dearest Head Pro,
I’m caught in a lineage love triangle. A few weeks ago, my friend set me up with his little. Yes, little as in fraternity little. I don’t know why this shit is still relevant in the real world, but here we are. So, anyway, we hit it off. The little is a great guy, though the sex is medium-minus. Hoping to educate the young boy in the wiles of sexual encounters, I began to train Medium-Minus with the hopes of making him a solid medium.
So, a little backstory here. Medium-Minus just got out of a really fucked up relationship, so he suffering from significant emotional PTSD and goes back and forth between wanting to date me and wanting to be swear off all women (including me- which is crazy, I know). But even though the sex is medium minus I still really like him. Emotionally unavailable men seem to be my type these days!
Okay, now the actually fucked up part. While he’s been out of town for the past few weeks I accidentally split 3 bottles of rose (#roseallday) with his big and we totally made out. Brosé over here caught me off guard with his good looks and even better wine-drinking abilities. I’d like to say that that was a onetime thing, but I cant help but make out with him when I’m drinking…. And a girl’s gotta stick to her diet.
Well….it’s all fun and games until someone catches the feels. And someone happened to be BOTH of us. Brosé thought it was a brilliant idea to let his little (aka Medium-Minus) in on his feelings (except for the part about us making out). Seems a bit incestual no? They’re like basically bros (#frat #brotherhood #lineage) and I’ve somehow inserted myself in the middle of their bromance and fucked everything up. And it gets even more awk…because Medium-Minus swears he’s trying to date me when he returns from his travels. Can’t say I wouldn’t also be defensive about losing a total fucking catch like me.
So….Medium-Minus and I have kept talking while he’s been away, but the combination of sexting and “I just can’t be with you right now” is getting v old.. especially when Brosé is just sitting pretty on the back burner. I know that I need to at least wait until he gets back from wherever he is, but I’m not sure what my game plan is when he does. Mainly I think I need to stop dating frat men (side note- I never even dated them in college, irony?). But in the meantime, can you help a betch out? The struggle is real.
With drunken love,
Wait, waitwaitwaitwait: This entire email is premised on the conflict arising from their college fraternity association, and you’re not even in fucking college?!?!? Like, I’m reading this message, thinking “wow, ok, this could get really sticky if they’re living in the same house,” and at the very end you drop the bomb that college is in the past-tense for you? You were somehow “caught off guard” by his good looks (had you, uh, not seen him before?) and his drinking abilities? A bottle and a half of wine isn’t even all that impressive for a dude, fyi. Not that I would know, or anything.
Anyway, you don’t actually have a problem here. The one guy is chill and good and into you (somehow!), and the other guy is bad in bed and one Wonder Woman screening away from spouting some vile bullshit on a Men’s Rights subreddit. There is not a real choice, and the fact that you had to dig up their college fraternity brotherhood (which no one cares about after college, I promise) to manufacture one makes me think you might enjoy the (non)drama a teensy weensy bit.
If you genuinely want to stop fucking around, you don’t need to wait for the one guy to get back from “wherever he is.” I mean, if you don’t even know where he is and half the time he’s calling you a jezebel, that’s not exactly a relationship that demands a lot of closure. If anything, him being gone is a perfect opportunity to use remote communication to avail him of the notion that you’ll be a couple.
In the future, past fraternity affiliation is probably not a good indication of a guy’s quality. Being bad in bed and a borderline misogynist, however, definitely is.