WTF Is Up With The Bowe Bergdahl Scandal?

If you’ve tuned into any semblance of a news publication this week, or to reality, you’ve probably heard snippets of this Bowe Bergdahl scandal. Or at least you are vaguely aware that there’s some sort of controversy and it has to do with some guy named Bowe Bergdahl.

I’ve read at least one article on and also I watched the segment John Stewart did about it on The Daily Show last week, so I feel I’m fully prepared to comment on this issue.

So, WTF is the scandal?

This bro, Bowe Bergdahl, was stationed in Afghanistan back in 2009. At some point, he went missing, and all his army bros assumed he was captured against his will. I say assumed because that detail is up for debate, more on that in a bit. So things get dicey because apparently the U.S. decided to be the ultimate SAB and traded 5 really known, really active terrorists for this one U.S. soldier. There are two things about that which people are outraged, which are:

1. The government made this deal without telling anybody, including Congress (they’re apparently supposed to give them a heads up, whoops). But they're claiming his life was in especially “grave danger” so they shouldn't have to wait the obligatory 30 days. 

2. Supposedly Bergdahl wasn’t actually captured, he just decided to bounce and then he was captured

Okay I lied, actually there’s a third thing people are pissed about:

3. Some of Bergdahl’s unit has come out claiming that 6 soldiers were killed while they were out trying to look for him, and if B-dahl hadn’t just peaced in the first place, they never would have died. But that’s also up for debate and there’s not really much proof that that alone is why they died when they did. Either way, his unit is def not a fan.

So why are people bugging out?

Overall this is just a generally weird situation and I feel like anger on both sides is justified but also unjustified, and now I totally understand why they made me read Catch-22 in 8th grade. Like yeah the government maybe violated the National Defense Authorization Act (see, I did some research) by not telling Congress in advance they were going to trade some terrorists back to their home team, and I get that that’s breaking the law and an abuse of power and all that jazz. But at the same time, are you really surprised that the government is doing things without your knowledge? If you watch Scandal you’re all too familiar with the idea of the government doing shit without alerting anyone. (Helloooo, B-613 anyone?)

And let’s talk about this trade. Five terrorists for one soldier? One soldier who was maybe a deserter? First of all, five for one, it just isn’t good math. Second of all, if it were me in the Oval Office and some dude was all “middle fingers to America” one second and was then all “Please daddy take me back” the next, I’d be like, “well you made your bed…”

^This is BB in a Taliban home vid

Like it’d be one thing if he was out on official business or whatever they do there and got scooped up by the Taliban but he was trying to leave anyway, like this dude ran away to the mountains of Afghanistan. What was your plan, bro? How were you planning on surviving in a hostile country? Not to mention you can’t exactly walk back to America from there. Seriously, what was your end game?

Back to the Taliban guys, like is no one worried that we now have 5 more of them on the loose? Apparently the terrorists who were released are going to be “closely watched” and “monitored” to make sure they don’t break any “conditions of their release.” Right. Because we all know terrorists’ #1 priority is following the rules. And if the hunt for Bin Laden taught us anything, it’s that the Taliban likes to make their whereabouts extremely well-known.

Should I be afraid of the terrorists?

These terrorists are in Qatar now, and aside from the fact that Qatar is really strict and weird about who can buy alcohol and where, I could think of a lot worse places to be held against my will. They will also be placed under a “one-year travel ban”… as Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers once said, Oh my god, are you fucking serious? Yeah, I’m sure the one year without their passports or whatever is going to do a whooooole lot.

Some people (like the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee) have a sneaking suspicion that once their travel ban expires, the Taliban members are going to go back to doing what they do best, being Taliban members aka plotting against America. WOW. SHOCKER. You mean we’re not going to put them into a rehabilitation program that will teach them useful trade skills so they’ll be more marketable to prospective employers? WHAT?!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad B-man is home and all that and I’m sorry his parents are getting death threats (sidenote: don’t you people have something better to do? His parents weren’t the one making the call to go in and rescue this guy). But I def can’t say if I were president I would’ve done the same thing. Which is exactly why I’m not president. And because I'm not 35.

Also what ever happened to “we don’t negotiate with terrorists”??

And will you look at the time, that’s all the fucks I give for today.


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