If anything’s true in life, it’s that celebrities are prettier and richer than us (or you, at least. Not me), and are therefore better than us. It was with that in mind on Monday that Beyonce beckoned her legions of fans to get up at the asscrack of dawn to watch ABC’s “Good Morning America,” where she promised to announce “something amazing that she wants you to know.” What she wanted you to know was that for the low, low price of $610, you can purchase 22 days worth of shitty vegan food through 22 Days Nutrition, the company she’s been shilling for since February.
“I am not naturally the thinnest woman. I have curves. I'm proud of my curves and I have struggled since a young age with diets and finding something that actually works, actually keeps the weight off, has been difficult for me,” said Beyonce, who has regularly been regarded as one of the most attractive people on the planet for well over a decade.
Beyonce’s diet (and the product she promotes) is based on The 22-Day Revolution, a book by celebrity trainer Marco Borges. And boy, is it ever revolutionary. If you think you can handle all of the revolutionary fitness advice, I suggest you sit down, strap in and take notes. Borges promises the following secret fitness principles will unlock the body of your dreams:
- Eat plants, not processed foods
- Eat three meals per day focusing on carbs (not hard, since that’s basically all you’re eating)
- Exercise 30 minutes each day
- Drink lots of water
That’s it! Don’t you feel thinner already, what with this revolutionary diet advice you’ve almost certainly never heard elsewhere? Same. In a shocking twist, it appears that going on a television show for old ladies and stay at home moms to hype a diet program was the last straw for twitter, who would typically defend Beyonce even if she were found guilty of war crimes:
— BRNDN XO (@BjornSay) June 8, 2015
— I am Solo. (@SoloExMachina) June 8, 2015
— all things meat news (@KillioussBey) June 8, 2015
Will Queen Bey retain her gilded throne? Is this the beginning of a Beyutiful mutiny? Are you allowed to get drunk in love on a vegan diet? Will Jay-Z eventually tire of Beyonce farting all over the place?
Only time will tell.