Hear ye, hear fuckin’ ye, it’s basically the most magical day of 2017 so far and OBVIOUSLY that’s because it’s a day where Beyoncé fucks our shit up.
This morning, on February 1st, 2017 *writes date down in calendar as holiday* Queen Bey announced that she and Jay-Z are expecting TWINS. Like, just fuck me up fam. One baby and I would have been stoked AF, but two? I’m low-key about to pass out.
Of course, ‘Yonce announced it on Instagram while surrounded by a throne of flowers, that were grown using the most pure sunlight and the tears of adoring fans everywhere. Remember when Kim tried to break the internet with a champagne bottle on her ass? Beyoncé has literally done it by just existing and having a kid. Iconic.
This might be the one thing that becomes a bipartisan celebration. Beyoncé has made the first, most crucial step to saving 2017. Now she needs to tackle this immigration ban and then all will be chill in the world.
TOMI LAHREN: Beyoncé is a piece of shit snowflake, erg celebirties they don’t get it, blah blah
THE WORLD: CASH ME OUTSIDE, HOW BOUT DAH
After the past week and a half of this political shit show, Bey clearly realized the world needed the news of her gene pool spreading now more than ever. I imagine one day Beyoncé was sitting in her tower somewhere in New York, looking down at the protests and turned to Jay-Z like: “It’s time.”
Can’t wait to obsess over these children like the world does with Blue Ivy. If these kids are named “Magenta Fern” or some shit I’m going to be a little disappointed, but whatever.
This has been a public service announcement, you’re fucking welcome.