Here to make you feel like a literal piece of garbage on this bleak Monday, in which you are probably hungover and very sad and a little fat, is Beyoncé. If you missed her Grammys performance last night, how fucking dare you. SMDH, you are so selfish. Bey, while still pregnant with twins, took to the stage to sing both “Love Drought” and “Sandcastles” from her life changing record/visual album masterpiece, Lemonade. There were holograms. There was nudity. There were yellow sheets. There were tons of other women. It actually might have just been Jay Z’s fever dream, now that I really think about it.
After being introduced by her mother, Tina (who I think I might be very afraid of, but that’s a separate emotional journey I’ll look into at another date), Bey came out in a gold dress and headpiece. Then, the three hottest performers in music right now, Bey, Red, and Yellow* did the damn thing. And by that I mean, made every mere mortal feel simultaneous joy for how lucky they are to have Beyoncé, and regret for their paltry list of accomplishments. Here are the performance’s highlights.
*Red and Yellow are the names of the Carter-Knowles Twins® until proven otherwise.
1. When She Looked Better Naked And Pregnant Than Approximately 100% Of Us Ever Will
Beyoncé is pregnant with twins and she still looks like a rock star.
2. When She First Graced The Stage And Announced That She’s The Leading Ruler Of Our Country
World: SLAY BEYONCE MY QUEEN GODDESSSSSS LET ME WEAR YOUR SKIN LOL JK BUT NOT REALLY CAN I WEAR IT?
Beyoncé: These peasants think I’m a goddess so I guess I’ll just like…become one?
A good reminder to dress for the life you want.
(Side note: How many teenagers are going to try and replicate that gold flower crown at Coachella this year? Taking bets now.)
3. When The Spoken Word Portion Was Lit
This looks like what acid feels like.
4. When She Rose Like Jesus, And Everyone, Including Donald J. Trump, Began To Sob
(Yes, I did photoshop that tweet.)
5. When All Of Her Dancers Bowed The Fuck Down And She Walked The Table Holding Her Stomach As If She Just Ate Some Bomb-Ass Meal
This is the updated version of “The Last Supper” right?
6. When She Trusted That Chair Wouldn’t Fall, Proving Once Again That She Trusts Things Too Easily (See: Cheating Husband)
^^^Actual footage of me, trying to “Lean In.”
7. When She Just Wanted To Lie Down Real Quick Because Even Michael Jordan Takes Naps
8. When More People Bowed Down To Her
Wait, omg are those doulas and is she about to give birth?
Is Liz from The Bachelor there?
9. When She Personified ‘IDFWU’
This is my intended aesthetic.
10. When She Finally Sat Down And Fucking Nailed Those Vocals
Full disclosure: I tried to not fall under the stereotype of “white women who cry every time Beyoncé does anything,” but here we are. I’ve sobbed so much into my glass of Pinot Noir that it now resembles Rosé.
On a separate note, there were another set of twins that looked mighty fly on that stage.
Fuck the Grammys, this performance deserves an Oscar. Honestly, it’s the best film I’ve seen all year.