Betchy Linguistics: Crunchy

Today’s word is dedicated to the west coast betch that calls her healthy eating and fitness habits a lifestyle – the crunchy betch. We betches tread carefully in this arena as there’s a fine line between looking all-natural and like actually being a dirty hippie. A crunchy betch dances on this fine line – or rather, fire dances on it, probably.

Crunchy girls champion the healthy natural lifestyle and have done every form of yoga, including acroyoga. She shops at LF, Free People, and let’s face it, Brandy Melville. She seems super spiritual but mostly just recreationally. She uses coconut oil, moroccan oil, argan oil, and looks best with flowers in her hair.

What are the signs you might be a crunchy betch? If you touted the bacterial benefits of froyo and rode the acai train back in the day, then you might be on your way to crunchy town. If you belong to two gyms and have a vaca trainer in addition to your regular trainer, then you might be a crunchy betch.

The word crunchy is probably named after the texture of Shailene Woodley’s hair before her monthly shampoo. It might also be named after granola, but whatever. Other famous crunchy betches include Alicia Silverstone, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Nicole Richie.

Ways to use crunchy in a sentence:

“She’s so crunchy the lines she does are free range, organic, and life coach certified.”

“You’re still using store-bought deodorant? Like way not crunchy.”

“Omg, this flower headband is a perfect accessory for when I meet my shaman tonight. So crunchy.”

The difference between basic crunchy and crunchy betches is that no matter how natural betches go, they still look hot AF. And nobody should ever wonder about your personal hygiene. Like, dreadlocks and dirty fingernails are not betchy. If you’re going to make homemade deodorant or steam your vagina after periods, you better look like Vanessa Hudgens or you can’t sit with us.

So our heels off to you, crunchy girls, for doing paleo and actually sticking to it.  And remember, if you’re not quoting your favorite philosopher on Instagram, then you might as well be eating gluten.


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