Betchography: Orange County

Betch factor: 7.5

The Betch who Lives There

Is tan, fit, and, much like her outfit, expensive but also super chill/low key. While the rest of us have been freezing our asses off during the polar vortex, she’s been enjoying record high temps and turning the heat on when it hit 65. From the day she was born her life has been the definition of #blessed, but she’d never tag a pic like that because living in “the bubble” has given her zero conception that her life might not be normal.

Orange County is split up into north and south, except no one really knows and/ or gives a shit where the dividing line is. Most OC betches are from South County and went a public high school like Laguna Beach, Aliso Niguel, Dana Hills, Mission Viejo or Tesoro. Even though public school is like not considered povo here, if a betch’s parents insist on private school she can go somewhere like Mater Dei. The #117 Token Asian betch is most likely from Irvine.   

At 16, the OC betch’s parents probably bought her a Mercedes because you need a car to go anywhere around here and because, like, whose parents didn’t do that? Also, chances are that in the past few years, either she or someone she knew hung out with one of the kids of the Real Housewives. “My sister totally used to get high with Lauri’s son, Josh, before he got sent to Juvie…

This brings us to our next point: depending on where you look, Orange County is the definition of fucking #10 candyland. It’s tough to pinpoint what it is about this place that makes people want to be barred out all the time. That’s just the paradox that is Orange County. It's la-la-land. It’s a magical paradise. It’s filled with people who need therapy. It’s the fucking bubble.

After high school an OC betch will probably avoid journeying too far away from the bubble and go to UCSB, UCSD, SDSU, UCLA, USC, or even U of A where she'll major in looking hot in bikini pics and #107 not branching out. On the off chance that a OC betch does go farther away for school, she'll be able to share some of the valuable knowledge she learned growing up with her college besties, such as how you can get even tanner if it's cloudy out. If she goes to school somewhere cold, her college photos compared to her high school photos will make it look like she's changed races.

The Betch who Visits Should

-Take pics at Crescent Bay Point.

-Go shopping at Fashion Island and insta a pic of the big palm streets by the parking lot.  #Cali #Neverleaving #Ibetnoonehastakenthispicbefore

-Walk around Balboa Island.

-Try In N’ Out and decide it’s overrated.

-Get bored after realizing Orange County is just a bunch of suburbs and book it to LA for the remainder of your trip.

Tip for the Visiting Betch:

You can spot an OC betch by her intense familiarity with SoCal slang.  This girl won’t even blink when someone uses a word like “agg” or “dank” or the phrase “wanna blaze at my pad?” If you meet a guy that starts saying this shit, you've found yourself an Orange County bro. If you're the #157 WGG, know that the “LA Angels” might be a really touchy subject for him. “They’re from Anaheim. God!”

Would've Gotten a Higher Score if not for

The suburban-ness and distance/traffic to LA


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