Betchography: Montreal

Betch Factor: 7.514

Le Betch who Lives There: is probably complaining about the fact that povo people are protesting tuition hikes. It's like 300$, just don’t go out for like one night and you’ll be fine!

I mean, it's not like she even really gives a shit. She probably lives in either Westmount, Hampstead, TMR or Outremont because anywhere else is for nicegirls in Roots sweatpants. Her boyfriend probably lives in Griffintown or Old Montreal because he wants to be trendy, and it’s completely normal that she still lives at home or is waiting to “move out” until her boyfriend has a sick loft or something.

The MTL betch would NEVER go to a public school simply because her parents would rather vomit their premade Java U sandwiches than allow their baby to be surrounded by the great unwashed. She probably went to high school at LCC, St. George’s, ECS, The Study or Sacred Heart and the Montrejews may have gone to Bialik. Seriously though, ONE more combo of Lululemons, a Free City hoodie and Uggs, I swear I could fucking jump off the Champlain Bridge. If she is unfortunate enough to speak French as her first language, then she went to Pensionnat Saint Nom de Marie, where people get off to Jesus and like, their hail marys. After high school she went to CEGEP at Marionopolis if she wanted to pretend to do work or Dawson if she wanted to stay high. During this pivotal point in the betch's life, she most likely will ditch her high school friends for people she actually thinks are chill. As the wealthy private schools filter into the two main CEGEPs, the crews will form super-cliques of only the most popular bitches from each school, trimming the fat both figuratively and literally.

montrealTu as du feu?

It’s important to note that learning and speaking French is less of a privilege and more of an oppressive law in Quebec. Refusal to speak it by the Anglo-Betch is one of the ways in which she feels control in a world full of chaos. When a crew verges on the bilingual, the English girls die of laughter any time the Francophones speak fluently and in a thick accent. The French of Quebec are descended from like, whores and people who got kicked out of France, so it’s kind of really trashy. Therefore, the betch’s Francais is weak because her parents hired a tutor to do her homework all throughout her academic career.

The cliché betch will most likely be shopping at Holt Renfrew, which is pretty much the Canadian wannabe Sak’s where she'll be able to find some semblance of an expensive, if not basic outfit. If she’s done shopping with her parents at Ogilvy’s then she may head over to one of Montreal’s boutiques like TNT, Editorial, Essence, Cahier d’Exercices, Reborn, and James.

Uncharacteristic of the global betch movement, the Montrealer actually places value on good food. She loves to get high and go “eat“ sushi at Kaizen, Westmount Square, Ginger or Ryu. Some other staple drunk&munchies would include Montreal-style bagels, Banquise poutines or peanut butter noodles. The JABs will have their non-religious pseudo-Sabbath dinner at Moishe’s, where their grandmothers will tell them that they are the 6th generation of their family eating there while she subtlety drinks her weight in white wine. The WASBs are probably enjoying the Friday night quiet during the Jewish absence at the Taverne or Bice, and discuss parliament and cashmere scarves. If she’s not at one of those places then she is probably at Cavalli, Les Enfants Terribles, Milo’s or some other expensive restaurant named after somebody foreign. No matter where they’re eating, they will all talk shit in unison about whoever walks in, because everybody knows everything about everyone.

Montrealers rarely leave for college. Why would they? McGill is amazing, and if she wanted to go to a second rate university she could just go to Concordia, no need to relocate out of the bubble. Plus, weed is all around you, the legal drinking age is optional, and the separation anxiety from their nannies would be all too much to bear. And due to the lax drinking age and the stupidity of most Montreal bouncers, the betch has been raging at clubs since like summer of grade 8. Unless she was miraculously able to get a dinner reso at Garde Manger, her night out will start off at a Pre-Drink in a fancy kitchen, only to wind up there later to dance on tables. It is only acceptable to go to Buonanotte if for the entire week prior you complain about how you’re over it and will not be going back. To casually end up there on a Saturday night is a much different thing then to actually plan your Saturday night around going there. Looks like I’m going to have to make a cameo at the Buona party…

Notre Dame Street is the increasingly common place to find an MTL betch these days. She will start her night eating drinking at Joe Beef or Liverpool House and then make her way across the street to her fave bar. Burgundy Lion is the overpriced British pub for the betch who decides that she is like, not doing clubs for the moment. She likes to come here because it allows her to believe that she is edgy, the hot bus-boys want her and the homeless love to serenade her with French love songs that she ignores. Everybody who goes there now complains that it has become a scene, yet deep down the betch is thankful that everyone now gets to see her casual outfits and how pretty she is with light makeup.

montrealGet your bongos out of my face, bro

The day after a night out, she is probably nursing a serious hangover and texting her friends that she needs to be scooped to smoke a J. If they have ran out of weed, they are going to pick from their brother. One of the best things about Montreal is that all of the drug dealers are young Jewish boys in baggy sweatpants. The betch and her crew smoke multiple joints as they make their way over the mountain to have brunch at Beauty’s, Nick’s or Leméac where they will drink ice caps and eat 3 crumbs of a baguette. If the betch is feeling fat or has completely lost her mind, she will take down a Bonjour or Club Salad from Beauty’s while overindulging in one of their giant shakes. Sundays you can find her getting extremely high at the Tams or raging at Picnik Electronik. They should like charge a cover, this would be so much better if all these dirty hippies weren’t here!

The beautiful Montreal summers remind the betch why she actually continues to live there after the horror of a blizzard filled winter. She looks forward to spending twice as much on everything during Grand-Prix, being super festy at Osheaga and getting stoned to attend Just For Laughs. Getting internships at your dad’s office and quitting around 2 every day so that you can go to Murray Hill park to smoke Jack with your friends is pretty much the cornerstone of any betch’s summer plans. Going to MRTC or one of the other tennis/golf clubs is for day drinking and socializing, rarely for actually playing sports. What do I look like, my mother? If the betch wants a break from the city, a great alternative is going up north to massive houses in Tremblant, Estérel or St. Agathe with boats that cost more than to sponsor our “peelipino” housekeepers.

[Side Note: the Montreal betch who goes to school at Mcgill or Con U considers her involvement in student life as going to class and then getting the fuck out as fast as possible. Sororities, hooking up with non-locals and going to parties thrown by like SaintWoods is a huge Non-Non and is meant for people who want to branch out.]

The Betch Bestie and her GBFF: will sometimes slum it and go to the village together, she doesn’t mind to go there because she can wear flats and dance to 5 year old techno remixes of Celine Dion songs.

A Betch who Visits: is probably an American girl who is attracted by a lower drinking age, and the false rumors of legal marijuana and an underground mall. She will probably stay at a hotel in Old Montreal and think that the entire menu of Eggspectations is like the punniest thing in the world. Her bro friends are most likely having a long night at Casino de Montreal The Cas or legally touching strippers at ClubSuperSex. It is also possible that she is a Forest/Thorn Hill JAB who went to summer camp with some Montrealers and wants to attend the “Ivy League of the North.”

The Betch Avoids: smoking anything other than Belmont cigs, un-ironically speaking French, St Catherine street, living in the Plateau, chilling at any of the Look-Outs, and fucking up her car on all the potholes. These things are for people who don’t live on the island and fat tourists. I mean yeah if your parents speak French at home, it's one thing but no self-respecting girl would ever roll her R's at a predominantly English-speaking gathering.

So as our first foray into the North, we start with the most cultured city in New France. Montreal would have gotten a higher score if Canadia were the 51st state. Canada is so rahndom. Still, the stylish alcoholic stoner betches of Montreal prove that even though we blame Canada, they can still fucking rage with the best of us, and have probably been doing it from like a really young age. Au revoir les bétches.


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