New month, new ways to waste your life away on Netflix while you recover from an inadvisable number of tequila shots. Or when you’re bored AF at work. Or if your bestie dares to make plans without you, the traitor. The point is, it’s there for a betch no matter the situation, and unlike your last SO, Netflix is willing to make changes.
In fact, they just announced the lineup for February. To celebrate, here are the 10 betchiest shows and movies coming to Netflix next month.
1. Magic Mike
Magic Mike is the clear frontrunner for betchiest movie of all time. Mostly naked men! Binge drinking! ‘90s hits! So of course it was going to top this list. Gird your loins now.
2. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 2
Musicals aren’t every betch’s cup of tea, mostly because conveying emotion—especially through song and dance—is the definition of trying too hard, but we know a thing or two about the subject matter. Start bingeing Crazy Ex-Girlfriend now so you’ll have time to watch the new season when it hits Netflix on Feb. 1.
3. American Crime Story: The People v. OJ Simpson
Any SVU-loving betch has got a weak spot for true crime, and this is like your fave “Ripped From The Headlines” SVU episode on crack (say crack again). Plus it it’s got Ross from Friends playing Kim Kardashian’s dad. I would seriously contemplate paying to watch this, but fortunately, I don’t have to.
4. Paris Is Burning
The documentary looks kinda depressing, but we gotta support our sisters in drag.
5. Santa Clarita Diet
Drew Barrymore playing a California real estate agent-turned-zombie? It sounds like Flip or Flop meets Night of the Living Dead and I never knew that was something I needed.
6. Chef’s Table, Season 3
For when you want to feel sophisticated without actually having to do any of the work, season 3 of Chef’s Table comes out on Feb. 17. Warning: after watching this there is a 100% chance you’ll start referring to your PB&J sandwiches as “peanut purée and grape chutney on a brioche bun.”
7. Abstract: The Art of Design
Ditto, but with design instead of expensive food.
8. Sausage Party
NGL, this looked like the kind of idiotic material my little brother would spend hours memorizing in painstaking detail, but it also seems like something every stoner betch needs to watch. Plus, Seth Rogen as a hot dog. It’s probably only funny if you’re high out of your mind—not like that’s really a problem.
9. Girlfriend’s Day
Murder? Check. Cynicism? Check. (Why is this starting to sound like my memoir?) That dude from Breaking Bad? Check. My bottle of wine and I are so there.
10. Ultimate Beastmaster
Maybe an obstacle course reality show isn’t your thing. Maybe you have no joy in your life. It’s none of my business, but I’ll be binge-watching Ultimate Beastmaster as soon as it comes out.
I’ll leave you with a PSA: Clueless is leaving Netflix on Feb. 28, so start committing it to memory now.
