When Betches consider attending the U, they envision pristine beaches, crystal blue waters, and sunny skies. What they get is a campus smack in the middle of a suburb, 30 minutes away from South Beach. But don’t worry, your constant state of being barred out combined with the blabbering of stroller-pushing Sofia Vergara-type residents will make any betch feel like she's in a far-away land.
UMiami has become the place to be for nightlife, football and its endless supply of Flordia’s famous export: cocaine! So ship your BMW down from New York and join us as we take a look at the University of Miami.
Although Greek Life is pretty big in the 305, we’d like to think we’re all part of the same fraternity of being fucked up.
ZBT – ZBT’s status at school fluctuates from year to year depending how many brothers went to rehab the previous semester. Don’t worry, some will stick around long enough to become investment bankers and support us.
SAMMY – Has recently overtaken ZBT due to buying more bottles and supplying more molly. However, there are plenty of non-threatening Birkenstock boys hanging around.
PIKE – Well known for their love of steroids, sedative jungle juice, group work outs and traveling in large packs, watch out betches: Billy, Jimmy, and Jimmy-Billy are lookin’ hungry tonight.
DG – Blondes and their fake boobs flock Delta Gamma. Their Middle-America humbleness fades the second that they realize men will buy them things. Lebron may have fucked about 80% of the sorority. Some Jewish betches join, much to the displeasure of the SDT.
SDT – The JAB hive. Where else can a JAB from Scarsdale be hand-fed comped bottles and boat rides?
DPhiE – Ethnically and geographically ambiguous, these girls are from all over. The least obnoxious of the big three sororities, and hence the most boring. Chicago and Maryland betches in Lilly Pulitzer who may/may not give hand jobs.
At the same time, Greek Life at the U can be flimsy and independent cliques emerge.
Merrick Park Frat – Rich New York and Miami Jews who think they’re too cool to join a frat.
Drug Betches – They started out considering SDT, now they wear three headscarves and smoke cigarettes in the daytime. What? You’ve never rolled during class?
Dubai Boys – See that lime-green Lamborghini with the Kuwaiti license plate parked outside the Business School? Ahmad said we could go on his yacht this weekend if we leave our hamsa accessories at home!
Promoter Posse – Mass texts and Facebook invites. Their friendship is purely based a shared love of comped bottles and scrolling on iPhones
Nightlife is divided into two options. South Beach or the Grove. If you like to stand on tables (who doesn’t) and roll face, it’s South Beach all the way. If you like beer, bros and/or don’t have money, it’s all about Coconut Grove.
Betches push past Spanish drug dealers to get allowed into the world-famous LIV at the Fountainbleau. (If you can't figure out how to pronounce it – blow, bleu, blue – stick with fountainBLAH.) There isn’t a better feeling than standing on the table of some guy who just spent 20,000 dollars on Perrier Joüet knowing you don’t have to fuck him.
Mokai is a Miami favorite where you can instagram pictures of yourself smoking cigarettes in Sepia.
Of course, there are the more easily accessible venues ran by UM Promoters. At some point or another, it is imperative you befriend one. Getting a Facebook notification every 15 seconds is definitely worth the endless supply of free Grey Goose.
Close to campus and easily accessible, everyone goes on Thursdays. Barhopping is what college is supposed to be about, right? So we stomach it once a week.
Get Moose Juice at Moe’s. All the calories from the sugar will disappear once you blow lines in the bathroom.
Tavern – Pike and DG dominate Tavern. With all the country music and denim shorts you’d think you were at a Klan rally.
Every couple of months, someone will try and turn a Grove bar into a South Beach style club. These constantly come and go. The idea of bottle service is too foreign to some people.
What to Do During the Day
Laying out – Whether it’s at someone’s apartment pool or the beach. Nothing is better than laying out. Besides Instagramming pictures of yourself laying out.
Boats – Like promoters, finding a guy with a boat is a necessary evil. Also one of the most important parts of going on a boat is letting everyone know you’re going on a boat. Getting blackout in international waters is where it’s at. You may or may not have not blown someone or get thrown overboard.
ULTRA!!!! – Betches and weird European guys all over the world come to Miami for this annual celebration of doing molly. Also, some losers go for the music. Be prepared for muploads of ULTRA ticket purchases and wall posts of YouTube videos from Avicii’s 27th performance. Also, one must obey the ULTRA uniform while at the festival: Neon tanktop, Neon sunglasses, Neon tampon.
Regatta – The day when you accepted that fat creepy Spanish guy’s number from LIV finally pays off. Regatta represents Miami’s Cuban heritage by shoving as many people/hard drugs as you can on a boat.
Football games – Only for the tailgates. Then take a cab from the ghetto back home before the first quarter is over.
Shipping your bestie off to rehab – a time-honored tradition.
Rolling face with Spanish people gets swapped for rolling face with Spanish people: Puerto Vallarta. Formerly Acapulco. Some people stay in town because they prefer the domestic Spanish people.
Where to Live
So you no longer speak to your dorm roommate who you swore was your soul mate six months ago?
Merrick Park/One Village – What better way to rough-it college style than a luxury condo on top of the Louis Vuitton store? Betches with money living in a designer shopping destination. The symbolism is poetic.
Red Road Commons – If you don’t have money, there’s always this option. Kind of reminds you of the Warsaw ghetto, except painted vominous pastels.
Houses – You don’t want to have the entire continent of South America as your neighbors?
Cocaine, Molly, Adderall, Roxys, and Parliaments. Oh, and Prime 112 when your parents visit.
Australia, Prague, Barcelona, Rehab, Grandpa’s house in Boca
Things to Do Before You Graduate
– Road trip to Mardi Gras
– Go to Key West for Fantasy Fest
– Have sex in the stacks
– Pledge and drop within 20 minutes
– Have sex with a member of Swedish House Mafia
– Go hipster in Wynwood
– Go to Art Basel
– Monty’s Happy Hour
– Smuggle cocaine through security (any kind: airport, CVS)
– End up at a celebrity’s house
– End up at rich family friend’s house
– Play host to some visiting betches
– Survive a hurricane
– Survive a bad pregame