For our next venture into the Ivies, we head to a school that at first glance is pretty fucking unbetchy. Most people do a lot of work, the bros are mostly Asian, and the dorms more closely resemble rat-infested jail cells than actual places people live. However, Columbia’s location in the betchiest city of the world and it's plethora of betchy celebs like Jake Gyllenhaal and Katie Holmes that make a cameo earn it some major points.
Engineering: The hardest school at Columbia, and they know it. The enginerds love to shit on all the other schools for being sooooo easy compared to their fucking bio-medical-chemical-quantum-mechanical degrees, but they all just want to work at Goldman like everyone else at Columbia. Engineers can always be found #80 bitching about their twenty hour problem set while they copy someone else’s homework. The biggest mystery of engineering is where the fuck it is. No non-engineer has a fucking clue where any buildings beyond Schermerhorn are.
Columbia College: This is the place to be if you don’t want to die alone in the library, but also don’t want the shame of knowing you go to Barnard (more on that later). CC students can always be heard whining about the Core. I have to read the entire Iliad by tomorrow! Frontiers of Science is sooo unfair, I’m a humanities student! And what the fuck is Music Hum?!. This is a never-ending conversation topic, regardless of the fact that no one is ever actually going to do a page of their reading when they can read the fucking sparknotes. 20% of CC students are English/Art History/Urban Studies majors, and everyone else is a desperate Econ major clawing for interviews at Goldman or JP Morgan.
General Studies: Where all those random 30-70 year olds in history lectures get their degrees from. No one knows much about GS students, unless they’re celeb actors who decided to “get their education” or you’re desperately looking for an older boyfriend.
Barnard: The Barnyard is home mainly to two types of girls: girls who either couldn’t get in or didn’t want to do the work at Columbia, and gender studies majors who actually wanted to go to an all girls school. The first group is arguably the betchiest at Columbia, as they get away with #36 not doing work while still getting a Columbia degree (and a Columbia boyfriend). The downside to this is that there is no human being on Earth who is shit-talked more than the Barnard girl that puts Columbia in her Facebook education.
Hipsters: Skinny kids wearing peacoats and flannels. These kids love to pretend to be intellectual, and are always either a coked out ADP member, a member of Postcrypt, or have a radio show.
Sorority Girls: There are only five houses at Columbia, so greek life is not completely necessary for a social life. Top houses are DG and Theta. This is where betches look for each other in a sea of hipsters who love doing homework and talking politics.
Frat Bros: Sig Ep for classic douchey frat guys and Delta Sig for douchey hipsters. Every other house is associated with a specific athletic team, and at least 50% of the frats are always on probation and not allowed to have parties.
Internationals: One of the most exclusive groups at Columbia, all the international students somehow manage to find each other immediately during orientation and don't make any lowly American friends. From that point on, you’ll never see them on campus again. Internationals can be found clubbing every night of the week, and smoking outside Butler during the day.
Asians: A huge portion of the Columbia student body, can always be found in Butler either doing homework like a crazed robot or sleeping at their desk.
St A's: These kids are college students who think they are fucking sophisticates. They live in “the Hall” on riverside and think they're the shit because they were rich/pretentious enough to get tapped. Supposedly a secret society, members are obsessed with not-so-subtly letting everyone know they're in it. But St A's ability to make everyone obsessed with talking shit about them while also desperately trying to get invited to their parties makes them pretty fucking betchy.
Things To Do During the Day
Butler: This is the place to see and be seen at Columbia, as it’s the only spot that 100% of Columbia students will spend at least a few hours in by the time they graduate. Many Columbia students are devoted Butler-ites, spending full days and nights pretending to do homework while they drink the disgusting Columbia coffee and loudly complain about all their work.
New York City: Columbia students love to brag about how they have the whole city at their disposal, they lovvvvvve to go to cultural events, eat great food, and visit friends at NYU. Bullshit. The truth is that Columbia students are fucking lazy, and no one goes below 96th before midnight.
Things To Do At Night
Mel’s: Columbia’s most popular bar. This is where all the wasted athletes, frat guys, and sorority girls go to top off their night. Even though it’s a burger bar during the day and shots inexplicably cost $8, Mel’s has made a name for itself as the best bar in Morningside Heights.
1020: For hipsters and actual adults. The only reason Columbia students ever actually venture off Broadway and onto Amsterdam is to stand outside in the cold for an ungodly amount of time just to get inside and instagram the 1020 stamp on their hand.
The Abbey: For freshmen without fake IDs.
The Heights: No one’s gone to the Heights for more than fifteen minutes since orientation.
Amigos/Il Cibreo/Campo: This place has changed ownership literally more times than you can count in the past few years. The latest incarnation is the Tex-Mex themed Amigos. Don’t try to eat the food unless you want to pay $20 for a quesadilla that will make you sick, but the fishbowl drinks are great for girls who want to spice up their instagram feeds.
Downtown: Since Columbia is all the way in fucking Harlem, going downtown is a saga that involves multiple expensive cab rides and enduring the judging stares of all the hipsters who you know are going to immediately start talking about what a slut/bimbo you are as soon as you walk out of the elevator. The Columbia nightlife scene can get so depressing that downtown is the only option sometimes. New York City has actual good clubs, so a downtown night can be fun. Just remember to take obscene amounts of instagrams, and don’t fucking forget the geo-tag.
Dining Halls: Just don’t. The food in Ferris and John Jay is basically inedible. The only acceptable place to swipe in at Columbia is JJ’s for late night fried food that will inevitably make you feel horrible about yourself. Barnard food is much better, and the only reason it is acceptable for Columbia students to cross the street to Barnard.
Milano’s/Westside: The most edible options in Morningside Heights are ridiculously overpriced markets.
Nussbaum & Wu: 90% of every Columbia betch’s diet comes from Nuss bagels. Nuss is the best place to recover from a hangover with carbs and shit talking, plus you are sure to run into every single person you’ve ever fucking met in the two block walk there.
Community: The best place to get drunk brunch or, like, real food.
Homecoming: The only day of the year when Columbia students pretend they have an ounce of school spirit. Make sure to buy your alcohol in advance because International sells out by 10 am. Start pregaming at 11 amand get blackout so you can try not to notice that you had to take a 20 minute bus through Harlem to get to Columbia’s pathetic excuse for a football stadium. Halfway through the game when Columbia is losing by an embarssing amount everyone remembers that no one at Columbia gives a fuck about sports and goes back to campus.
Bacchanal: This is Columbia’s attempt at the classic college Spring concert series. Everyone gets so wasted they don’t care that the artist is mediocre.
Orgo Night: During finals the marching band does stand-up comedy, otherwise known as shit-talking Barnard, in the library at midnight. Everyone goes to avoid doing their actual work and to feel in the know when every Columbia publication and Jezebel end up reporting on how sexist the jokes were.
Ultra, or some tropical destination where you can tan all day.
Before You Graduate, You Should
Instagram Low Steps/Butler in the snow/during a sunset
Hook up in the stacks
Eat an entire slice of Koronets pizza after you stumble out of Mel’s at 2 am
Psycho competitive engineers/econ majors who will never stop talking about their interviews for jobs/internships
The Core (for CC)
The death of all nightlife for the month before finals
People who are obsessed with talking about how much work they have (You have to read 300 pages by tomorrow? Well I have a twenty page research paper I haven’t started. I AM MORE STRESSED THAN YOU)