We’ve covered a lot of music genres, but one that has remained mostly untouched—like the food in our fridge—is rap. So in the name of being thorough, we’ve provided you with the Official Betches' Guide to Rap.
(Not to be confused with the Official Betch’s Guide to Hip-Hop because we’re still not 100% on the difference between the two but it’s like, whatever).
Rap is perfect for any occasion: Pregaming? We got you, b. Clubbing? Obv. Mourning the death of a close friend and/or role model? Congrats, so is literally everyone involved in rap since 1995, you’ll fit right in.
Another thing we love about it is unlike Taylor Swift, John Mayer, and other sappy music, rap doesn’t make you feel a whole lot of emotions, unless you count swag as an emotion. Seriously, when was the last time you found your friend face-first in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s because “that 2Chainz song came on the radio, and you know that was totally our song before he dumped me?” Unless you got together on his birthday because you’re a big booty ho, it doesn’t happen.
Sometimes listening to rap while high makes us ponder deep philosophical quandaries such as, “How can I get more money?” and “Why is Hennessey such a big thing?” and “Did that bitch ever get out of Ludacris’s way?” Every once in a while we’ll hear a song that tackles hard-hitting social issues, you know like Same Love, which sort of makes us feel for our #52 Gay BFF, but then we're quickly over it when he shows up to brunch dressed like way more fab than I am.
“But Betches,” you ask. “There’s so much rap out there. How do I decide what’s good?” Don’t even bother because we’ve done the work for you yet again.
Here’s what any music exec will tell you goes into a good rap song:
Production: It's all about the beat. When it comes on, are you possessed with the uncontrollable urge to twerk, even though the closest you ever came to twerking was when you bent down to pick up the $100 bill that fell out of your wallet? If the answer is yes, then production quality is high.
Lyrical Content: If a rap song doesn’t have at least 3 mentions each of coke, molly, and purp, then you might as well be listening to Demi Lovato. Extra cred if instead of actually saying coke they just substitute the names of white female celebrities, like: Hannah Montana, Susan Sarandon, Skylar White, Holly White, Betty White, etc.
Lyricism: Anyone can rhyme Versace with Versace. A good rap song goes beyond just rhyming into other literary devices. For instance, what’s the pun factor? Does the artist throw a line or two in there that makes you go “Ohhhh shit!” or even better, makes you actually laugh out loud? Examples: Valley girl giving blow jobs in Louboutins / What you call that? Head over heels? (Iggy Azalea); I leave ‘em dead in the living room / Get it? Dead in the living room? (Lil Wayne)
Guest Verses: Is Lil Wayne featured on the track?
Betches' Genius Recommendations
If you like high-pitched whining that sounds constipated, doesn’t make any sense, and might not even be English, then you’ll love Future, Lil Wayne, Rich Homie Quan
If you like Basquiat, Apple, Louis Vuitton, and basically any other brand or corporation, then you’ll love Jay-Z
If you like The Notebook and burning your name into your ex’s front lawn, then you’ll love Drake
If you like Kanye West, then you’ll love Kanye West
Now you’ve got our take on it, so go “turn up,” as they say in rap.