Betches Guide To: Perfecting Your Spring Bod

Yes, to be politically correct for our demographic it will be referred to as “Spring Bod.” Collegiate betches are counting down the hours until they’re flying to the land of tequila and bad decisions on Daddy’s dollar for Spring Break, while Real World Betches are starting to throw up in their mouth a little as they are reminded through invitations that it’s almost wedding season and that you need the bod that catches the eye of the sexiest single groomsmen at the reception.

Regardless of if your figure will be debuting in March in Mexico or Memorial Day Weekend with the first glimpse of #WeddingSeason, it’s important to start thinking skinny now before the the event is a week away and you’re asking the tanning salon if they can airbrush abs on. I know a lot of people will backlash this with the “your bikini bod is you in a bikini” and “weight is just a number” and “you shouldn’t feel pressured to lose weight” but guess what? I just spent four months hibernating inside wearing nothing but yoga pants and knit sweaters, so I’d like to have a chance to feel sexy while wear that piece of fabric crop top I justified spending $40 on from Tobi.

1. Eating

They say abs are made in the kitchen and as much as you’d like to believe staying on the elliptical for the extra thirty minutes will justify drunk eating Dominos three times a weekend, no such luck. We’re not saying you have to get all hippie and eat kale and drink prune juice. We’re saying you need to stop thinking drunk calories don’t count, and that living off coffee all day doesn’t justify a Mac N Cheese binge when you get home at night.

Side note: Don’t do that whole “caloric justification” thing where you explain to everyone you only had a handful of almonds and a string cheese today so you’re fine to eat the entire Spinach and Artichoke Dip, I can guarantee no one really GAF.

Eat six small meals a day so you don’t binge when you come home at night you hangry monster. FYI just because it’s a salad doesn’t mean you get to douse it in Ranch Dressing you cheater. Sushi is an awesome betchy food that's healthy in certain quantities and gives you an excuse to Instagram AGAIN. For lazy betches who can’t cook: look into smoothie recipes that only involve a blender and won’t risk you leaving the stove on overnight. Again….

2. Working Out

If you’re one of those girls that goes to the gym, tans, and then sits in the ab room to “stretch,” does 20 crunches and then leaves, you might as well buy that one piece bathing suit or moo moo dress now. This isn’t to insist that you start training for a half marathon, but TBH those girls are pretty badass so really do look into it. Running and stair masters burn the most calories which is highly encouraged, but the burn stops when you step off the machine. Stop thinking you’re going to look “bulky” lifting weights. Anyone who is anyone has seen Squatspo posts where girls have KILLER asses because they SQUAT with WEIGHTS. You’ll lift the ass, tighten the abs, and the more muscle you build the more calories you’ll burn even AFTER you leave the gym. 

3. Liquids

They’re not kidding about the water thing. Drinking excessive amounts of water not only curbs your appetite, but it helps make your hair strong and skin flawless. Sure you’ll have to pee ten times a day, but what better way to avoid being productive than having to get up and look at yourself in the mirror every hour. On the topic of alcohol: Yes, betches like to think they’re known for their vodka sodas with minimal calories and optimal intoxication. In reality, many girls don’t have the acquired taste for such a straight drink and drunkly lean to things like Whisky Ginger, Dirty Shirley, Rum and Coke, and anything involving soda.

We all know alcohol isn’t going to help our spring bod, but it helps our sanity so #NotSorry. If flavor is something you need – order Vodka Water and bring yourself a little Miio or other water enhancer to splash in for added flavor without the calories. Also – stop getting your coffee light and sweet or those sugary Starbucks drinks – drink your coffee like your soul: black.

4. Sleep

You want to know why Sleeping Beauty is so fucking gorgeous with perfect skin and a rocking bod? She slept all fucking day, through every meal! It’s simple math that the less hours you are up, the less hours you have a chance of eating. I’m not telling you to become a narcoleptic vampire that sleeps all day to avoid eating – I’m telling you going to bed at 11pm cuts out the option of getting up for those 2am Oreos you just HAD to have because you ate dinner at 8 and are still up re-watching season 7 of Friends.


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