The Betches’ Guide To Buying A Car

Chances are your first car was a gift for your sweet sixteen, but now that you’re a boss betch making money, you can’t drive a VW bug forever. So you have to buy a car, and you’re doing it without your parents. Buying a car is like a blow job, it’s scary until you’ve done it, and it gets easier every time. Plus, much like blow jobs, guys think they know more about it than you, but it’s only because they talk about it so damn much.

Before you show up at the dealership, do you research. You wouldn’t go on a date without Googling him first, so why would you buy a car without doing the same? You want to look up how much the car you want is going for at different dealerships in the area, as well as how much shittier cars are going for (previous year models of the same car, or the same car with way more mileage) just so you have something to compare it to. Because just like dating, you’re upgrading but you still have a bottom line.

I'm on a budget

Obvs you want to go to the dealer that is closest to you with the best reviews. But anything within a few hours away is fair game for you to research. Print out low prices of farther away dealerships so you can use it to negotiate. It doesn’t hurt to bring a friend with you to shop for cars because you can play the hard-to-get game with your salesman by lightly arguing with your friend about what you want in front of them. It’s possible a car salesman is going to see two betches and think they can take advantage of you, so if you bring a bro with you, we won’t count it against you. But if you bring a betch, she should play the wifey/girly type so you can seem more assertive in comparison.

Don't fuck with me

So you’ve finally found the car you want and now it’s time to negotiate like a betch. Don’t talk numbers until you’ve sat down with the Carfax report in your hand. Take your time looking through shit and ask a lot of questions. Just treat the car like your boyfriend came home late and didn’t return your calls. Ask questions about everything that you see that may look off. Oh, they didn’t get their oil changed for several thousand miles after they were supposed to? Point that shit out.

When it’s time to talk numbers, have a hard line in your mind before anyone even says anything. Then, drop your offer at least a thousand below the price you actually want to pay. They’re going to say no because that’s their job. But stay strong. You’re Jennifer Hudson and you’re not going nowhere. If they say yes right away that’s a red flag that they’re already overcharging you.

so shady

Ultimately, they’re going to come down to meet your price in the middle, hopefully at the actual price you want to pay. Once they say that, don’t just agree right away, ask them to add in special features. Dealers are more willing to throw in things like back-up cameras, extra maintenance, neck pillows (seriously) or whatever you want when they’re so close to getting a commission. Floor mats should go without saying—nobody pays for those anymore.

If you don’t get the price you want, you can walk away and come back later. Don’t ever feel pressured to buy a car—or like, anything—if you’re not feeling good about it. Much like you wouldn’t sleep with a bro you’re not sure about, it’s better safe than sorry.