Without even having seen the movie, we already know that Spring Breakers is going to be memorable. I mean, anything where the star of a Disney show called “Wizards of Waverly Place” must rob people’s homes dressed in a bikini in order to finance a #26 spring break trip can’t possibly be bad, right? So that, in addition to having recently publicly announced that she made the Biebs cry, makes Selena Gomez this week’s Betch of the Week.
Like many of our BOTWs, Selena started off as a just another tween trying to make it big. She worked hard on the set of Mickey Mouse Club as well as costarring next to worlds most
creepy favorite purple dinosaur. But that’s not what made this celebutante famous. Well, besides her Oscar winning performance in Monte Carlo, where she played not only one fame whore but two, Selena became mainstream from her relationship with Bieber. Oh but we mustn’t forget her top single Love You Like a Love song, where she declares that she loves us like a love song through an unreasonably slow pop song.
But finally someone slapped some fucking sense into her and made her realize that Bieber is just another high-pitched singing HGH loving black rapper aspiring white boy. Robbing the cradle isn’t cool Selena, you know what’s cool? Not robbing the fucking cradle.
Here is where we put her really betchy quotes, which after doing some research, don’t exist. They’re all about believing in love, being yourself, and being #69 besties with Tay. Vom. But we’re going to give Gomezy bitch a free pass. As the incredibly understanding people that we are, we’re get that these were your Disney days, but now it’s time to blossom into the true latina betch that you are. Selena out. Gomez IN.
So we’re all planning on seeing Spring Breakers this weekend and since we’re not getting paid to advertise this movie we’ll just say you can see it if you’d like. But we’re almost positive it won’t be boring, because there’s nothing I want to see more than Selena Gomez, Dirty Hudgens, and Hefty Hanna cavorting around Mexiland with law doctorate (what type of degree does he have??) James Franco in his wife-beater and grillz.