Stop Wasting Your Money On These Sh*tty Hummus Brands

I think it’s time for us to all take a minute to appreciate hummus. Right up there with avocado toast, froyo, and iced coffee, hummus is a mainstay of the betch food pyramid. Whether you’re trying to lose weight and using it to make your celery taste less like sadness or you’re going all out with toasted pitas and feta, hummus makes chickpeas relevant. I mean, okay, chickpeas have kind of always been relevant, but like, hummus made chickpeas relevant to us. But here’s the thing, given that the Whole Foods of the world now know how much we betches crave hummus, there are a flood of options at every grocery store ranging from “the most delicious fucking thing you’ve ever had in your life” to “is this just chunky mayonnaise?” In order to save you from subpar Mediterranean dip at your next tapas night (or personal Netflix binge-a-thon), we’ve rounded up the top eight grocery store hummus (hummuses? Hummi?)—ranked from best to best left as a last resort.

1. Sabra Classic Hummus

Baby’s first hummus! Anyone with even a casual interest in chickpeas mashed up and mixed with spices/anyone who has ever gone on Birthright has tried this shit. This goes to show you that having a loyal band of followers and lots of money for advertising pays off. The classic flavor of this hummus is flanked by a hint of lemon, a lil garlic, and creaminess. So, if you’re fine with ignoring the amount of times this shit has been recalled for e coli, listeria, avian mad cow flu etc., it should be a staple in your fridge.

2. Cedar’s Classic Original Hommus

Like that chick who went on study abroad and now pronounces Paris “pah-ree,” you can tell that this shit is legit by the fac that they spell it “hommus.” Aside from a few artificial ingredients that we could do without, the taste on this one was authentic and more of the Lebanese variety—i.e. there’s more tahini in it. It’s smooth, it works well on veggies, and honestly thumbs up on this shit.

3. Abraham’s Traditional Style Hummus

Idk who Abraham is, but he sure knows how to make hummus. Want something homemade tasting that doesn’t actually require you to do work? Get a batch of this shit. It has a litte garlic, a little citrus, and a fuck-ton of chickpeas. This one is great for dumping in a bowl and drizzling some olive oil over the top. It’s also not bad for plopping into a tupperware and bringing to a potluck like you made it yourself.

4. Roots Original Hummus

Okay so aside from the 6 grams of fat for every 2 tbsps (hummus’ fatal flaw), this shit was pretty legit. Also, it swaps canola oil (always made from the FRESHEST canolas) with safflower oil, which like, makes us feel better since it’s linked to lower cholesterol and lower blood sugar. This one is the healthy betch’s bff.

5. Atheno’s Classic Hummus

Like the sloppy drunk sex you had on Saturday, it’s not bad, it’s not great—but this shit has the most in terms of detectable spice like cumin, coriander, etc. However, it has an almost sour taste which like could work on a pita, but, honestly, the grainy and over-whipped texture was a little odd.

6. Whole Foods Classic Hummus

If you’re searching for a hummus as bitter as you are, head to Whole Paycheck and pick this shit up. Lemon, lemon, lemon. If you’re a citrus fanatic who loves to pay a thousand dollars for mediocre product, this is 100% for you and all lemony friends. However, if you’d rather taste the combo of chickpeas, tahini, and spices that like, is actually hummus, pass on this shit.

7. Trader Joe’s Classic Hummus

This hummus was about as interesting as the male model I dated in college. Pretty to look at—nice packaging, etc.—but once you dive in, meh. Not a whole lot of depth here. I mean, if you’re into neutrality and looks over everything else, go for it. You’ll have the added benefit of going to Trader Joe’s and elbowing hipsters out of the way while you all scramble to wait in a long AF line.

8. Wild Garden Traditional Hummus Dip

Um, pass. First of all, you won’t find this shit in the refrigerated section with the other hummus. Why? Because it’s in the CHIP AND DIP AISLE? Unacceptable. Also why? Because it has a lot of shit that allows it to be shelf stable. It doesn’t taste awful—lots of spice and an almost acidic taste—surprisingly homemade for something that’s next to the jarred queso, but it is 100% the Forever 21 of hummus (good in a pinch, can pass for real hummus, but not a long term option).